Any reason to put JT on a blog title and I'm going to use it! But there's a good reason, my friends:)

My strong, SUPEHERO friends,

I'm here.  I promise.  I haven't deserted you, although it's been a few weeks.  But you have been on my mind most of the time.  As you know, I have kids....and we are having to do so many "end of the year things" aren't we? I can't keep track of the field trip slips,  who brings what to the end of year party, and the projects and reports that are due!! And I just got finished steaming by daughter's dance costume in the bathroom with a hot shower running.  At 12:30 a.m.  But I'm a momma.  That's just how we do.  ;)

And now you.  All of you.  The story must go on.  I need to share.  We are in this together.  And guess what?  I am getting messages, comments, emails.  I have cried as you, my readers have related to my experience, leaving you raw, vulnerable but NOT alone.  May I share a snippet from one friend:

Dear Amomynous - wow....that pretty much sums it up. My best friend sent me the link to your blog, and I stayed up til 1am to read all of your posts. I wanted to reach out to you and say thank you. My own story is very very similar to yours. I have been working up the courage and strength to leave my husband (who I have been with for 19 years, since I was 17 yrs old) for the last several years. All of the puzzle pieces finally seem to be coming together and I now truly feel I can leave with peace in my heart knowing I tried EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. Your blog is so powerful...sharing your story is so brave. I am just one person you have touched. It means so much to me. I would love to connect with you via email or even by phone sometime. I just wanted to say from the bottome of my heart ~ thank you!!! ~(name is withheld)

Wow.

Wow.

Wow, friends.

You are NOT alone. I am NOT alone. My strong, brave friend recognizes that she is NOT alone. And although, I will repeat myself, I do not advocate divorce (I advocate doing the BEST you can, with what you have and if what you have is unfixable, then take the necessary steps to becoming the happiest YOU can be, with the most peace in your heart).

To my friend that wrote me that comment: THANK YOU. Thank you for touching me. Giving me the strength that I needed. And I hope your peace continues to grow in your heart. You are amazing. And you are so worth it. You are sooooo worth it.

We continue.....

I'm an empty shell, remember? Having a hard time on Mother's Day, right? Right. Deep Breath. Spillage of my guts:

So here I was, mother of 4 young ones...sucking me dry every day (literally, I was breastfeeding.....well, and sucking my day dry--ha!). I was the president of the teenage girls in my ward, my husband was in a high calling in the church, I was volunteering in the community, schools, etc. Yep, I probably was overdoing it, and that could have put a strain on my marriage...I wasn't spending enough time with my husband. So later on, we decided to attend a place of worship early one Saturday morning. It was a morning date and we made a goal to do this every other Saturday. I was on board. I wanted the blessings. Heck, friends....I needed the gates of heaven to open up and perform some sort of miracle!! Send in the forces! That's what I needed! My soul was shrinking and shriveling.....just like my after-breastfeeding chest. Yep, I just went there.

So here we were, one Saturday morning. We had a little over an hour to drive. And I was in trouble. Again, I can't remember for what-I really believe that it was over money. Possibly that I wasn't handling the finances correctly and I needed to do a better job-I heard that a lot. But that's the last thing I wanted to hear on a Saturday morning. Was how horrible of a person I was, that I couldn't even keep us out of the red. Ugh. I felt horrible. Then, he said, hands down the most hurtful thing that cut through my soul, pierced my heart and I am honestly striving to forgive him to this day. He made a very derogatory comment about our upcoming worship service, asking me not to participate because it would be embarrassing for him if he was forced to participate in it. I started crying. Really hard. I got those chest pains that I would get, when I was told what a horrible person I was. The tears started spilling over. I looked down, where I was studying my scriptures.....all I can remember is the drops splashing down on them. I cried in silence, hoping he wouldn't see. But he looked over and got extremely upset that I was crying over THAT? And that I cry over everything. And that I'm too sensitive. And that he can't have a regular conversation with me without me crying.

Friends. My tears stopped that day. After that episode, I knew that I needed to hold in the tears and never let them fall over my cheeks again. After all, I was too sensitive. I needed to toughen up. Grow a pair. It was my fault that I would get so upset. I had a really difficult time crying after that. It took a lot, or otherwise I would go hide and cry a river. Or do that pillow crying that I was so good at. Cotton sure can absorb tears well. But I just quickly came to believe that once again, it was all my fault.  The finances, the tears, the sensitivity.  And then we were headed to the worship service, where I plastered on that smile and acted as if nothing were ever wrong, when I was dying with those chest pains inside.  I remember that took a long time to recover from that one.  Even to this day.  I have my tear marked scripture verses that have my wet tear stains. 

Okay, I'm not sure if you're crying right now.  If you are, IT IS OKAY.  Cry friends! Cry!  Let it out!  It's healthy, it's natural, and you are NOT too sensitive. You need to release those little cells of sadness so that you can replace them with happiness.  And if you're a scientist, you probably just dry heaved because I really do know that there aren't sad cells and happy cells.  I know, I know.  It just sounds clever:).

And now, friends, here's what you do.  Stand up to your loved one and tell him/her to "Cry me a River" Justin Timberlake style.  (He's my secret boyfriend.  And he doesn't even know it-ha!)  Tell them that you are allowed to cry any time, day or night, that it's healthy and good, it is needed and that is why God gave us tear ducts.  Tell them that you ARE sensitive and indeed, that is a gift.  A precious gift.   And you are the lucky person that has that gift and it should be cherished and taken care of.  Tell it, sing it, preach it and LOVE it.  You can do it.  


Oh sweet friends, you CAN do it.  I have the utmost faith in you.  God knows you.  He has the ut-utmost faith in you.  

One of my favorite quotes, of which my momma reminds me frequently:

"If you could see yourself the way God sees you, you would walk taller, reach higher and never be the same again."  I love it.  

Starting tonight, here's my challenge:  Don't be the same again.  Invite YOU back into your life.  Allow God to show you yourself the way He sees you.  And then cry.  A river.  Float down that river on an inner tube.  

Then square those shoulders back.  

Walk taller.  

Reach higher.  

And don't let anyone tell you how to be.  YOU be YOU.

Strong, courageous, superhero-ey, beautiful, wonderful and AMAZING.  Because what you are going through defines you with all of those adjectives.  You.  Are.  Amazing.!!!

Believe it.  

Strengthly Yours,

aMOMynous

SuperHero YOU!! To the Rescue! Happy Mother's Day:)

My dear SuperMOM friends,

Okay, I'm dedicating this one to you strong, superhero MOMS out there.  Men, you are cordially invited to nod your head and agree with all that is said in this blog!  Because you're still important, too.  It's just that we need to focus on you mommas, in light of today's holiday!!

I hope and pray you have had a wonderful day.  That you have realized that you are so important!  Whether you have small children, no children, grown children, not your own children....you get my drift.  YOU are so unique in your own different way that it is so obvious to me how NEEDED and IMPORTANT you are in this life.  There's a day to celebrate that fact!! I wish I would have know my future self now a few years ago...........

I remember dreading Mother's Day.  May I remind you that I felt like a failure in every aspect of a human being, let along being a mom.  I loved my kids so much I could hardly stand it.  But the comparison game would always creep in.  And I would listen to the negativity that was told to me and believed every syllable of it.  My friend A had it all together and cooked gourmet meals every night in a spotless house.  My friend B rolled around with her kids while they laughed and giggled and adored her.  My friend C would hug and kiss her husband and provide the house with a spirit of love every day.  And then there was Lame Mommy Me.  After seeing and witnessing my perfect friends, believing the not so nice things that were told to me and scanning my messy house, I dreaded the day to celebrate me, the Failure.  Mother's Day could never get over fast enough....except for that nap.  I always got the nap and those were two glorious hours to myself.  But then I would go to church and hear how perfect all the mommies were and I would feel even worse.  My husband at the time would try really hard to provide a good day.  But I already felt horrible about who I was, I surely didn't want a day centered around that!!

I remember one year, when he was in a high position calling in our church, he had gotten upset with me that morning on Mother's Day, before church.  Of course, I can't remember what it was (and I have since learned that this is a side effect, if you will, of those that have been abused.  They just can't remember the specific situation, but they remember how they felt).  He then left to go to church and his meetings.  I had a little bit of a cry, but believed it all.  So I took my kids to church and sat in the pew.  He then stood up and talked about how wonderful I was, that I'm a saint to put up with him,  that he couldn't have asked for a better person than his wife and so on and so forth.  Really? Wait, about 2 hours ago, I was in trouble for things that I was doing wrong.  Now I'm an angel sent to him?  Wait.  I couldn't understand, but the Praise from the Pulpit was good.  And I liked it.  I learned to look forward to the Pulpit Praising days....because it helped me to forget how he had made me feel at home.  Where no one was watching or listening.  This is when I realized that there was a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.  He would act good and kind and loving one moment, then the next, turn into a completely different person. It was hard to follow and hard to keep track of and I never knew which facet of a husband I was going to get.  So I basically lived in a state of confusion.  Believing everything Angry Husband would tell me and then believing everything Kind Husband would tell me.  I was a mixed bag of tricks, let me tell ya.  Never knowing who or what to believe.

What a horrible way to live!! Mother's Day should have been all about celebrating the fact that I birthed these children and happened to adore them at the same time.  That I have a mother that birthed me and I adore her.  Instead, I didn't even know how to feel.  Lame Numb Me.

So how did I snap out of it?  Well, friends.  I'm learning.  But one thing that I learned very quickly was to LOVE MYSELF.  Holiday or not.  Love who I am, wekanesses and mistakes included.  Love the fact that I am a breathing soul who has one title to these children that I love: Mom.  No one else in the world is their mom but me.  And that goes for you too.  You are so valuable in the eyes of your children, God and me.  You have no idea.  You are the SuperHero to your children.  But SuperHeroes need to believe in themselves first before they can go saving those around them.

So here is my challenge, post Celebration of You Day.  Look deep within yourself.  Reflect.  Get to know Fabulous You.  Fall in love with yourself.  Not romantically, obviously.  But let yourself LOVE the person that is the reflection in the mirror.  You can do it.  Look past the faults you think you have. Look for that spark.  It's there.  Ignite it.  Let it grow.  Let it shine.  Let US meet Superhero You.

Because that's exactly what you are.  And your world is waiting to see it......

You are amazing.

Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

How the SHELL are you?

Hello, my strong friends! Happy Wednesday! I figure that a lot of you amazing people will read this in the morning, even though it's Tuesday night for me.

How are you?  How is your strength? How is your worth? How is your HAPPINESS? I'm checking in on you in that motherly-nagging-annoying-won't-leave-you-alone way that I told you about earlier.    I hope that it is on the uphill.  I hope and PRAY that you are recognizing your worth, your potential, your STRENGTH.  You ARE Superheroes, aren't you?  You take Avengers to a whole new level.  Because you have had to endure years that Ironman wouldn't have the strength for;  have had to endure unfathomable trials that Captain America would most like cringe at,  and have had to face your own self with power unlike any amount Thor would ever have.  Thor.  Should we talk about him and his handsomeness for a while? haha....kidding.  This about YOU.  Thor can wait.  But, oh my, he's so cute.  ;)

So before I continue on with my story, I have been thinking.  A lot.  Can I throw out some numbers? Here it goes: My Facebook page has had about 300 views on this Blog.  My blogger page has had nearly 1,500.  And then my gmail group circle thingy has had over 3,000.  I have done zero advertising.  In fact, because my budget is so tight, I can't do any advertising.  This is ALL word of mouth, invites and those people that happen to stumble on this blog.  Simply amazing.  Can you see the need out there?  There are so many silently struggling friends that it makes me want to hug all 4,800ish people and tell them that they are going to be okay.  And all of you should rest easy with some peace knowing that you are not alone.  Holy cow.  Neither am I.  

So I continue my story:

Here I was.  A mother of 4!!! I felt extremely outnumbered, but as I said in my last story post, that fourth child of mine brought such a sunshine and happiness and I just couldn't get enough of that baby.  But my problems, although I couldn't pinpoint them, were still there.  I was still crying a lot.  Wetting that pillow.  I was starting to become an empty shell........

Let's talk about the Empty Shell Syndrome (yah, I just totally made that up....maybe I should copyright it and make millions? haha)  You know how you find a beautiful shell on the beach?  It's almost like a miniature conch shell.  You examine it.  The outside is flawless; white and sparkling.  Perhaps with a little color.  You hold it in your hands....you find the opening of the shell and put your ear to it, thinking that you will hear the ocean.  And sometimes you do, don't you? But we all know that there is absolutely nothing in that shell.  It's empty.  Perhaps there was life that lived inside that shell at one time, but it's gone.  Empty.  The only thing that's beautiful is the outside of the shell, for everyone to admire and look at.

World, meet me.  The Empty Shell Girl.

Yes, on the "outside" it sure looked like I had my act together.  Exercising, serving, leading, smiling, loving, happy and cheerful.  Hold that outer shell to your ear and listen.  On the inside, there was nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I was quickly becoming empty on the inside.  Taking care of 4 kids......That's a lot!!  But that's not why I became empty.  The diapers, tantrums and puke were all part of the frustrating part of motherhood, but you would probably agree with me that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  It wasn't that.  It was my marriage that was becoming more and more strained.  The husband was in a high calling in our Church and I was the president of the young girls. Oh my goodness.  That made my outside so sparkly and happy.  My kids, doing funny things, made me glow on the outside.  So why was I feeling so empty?  It was those words that were spoken to me that sucked everything out of me.

I remember a family picture that we took at the in laws house during a family gathering.  He had gotten mad at me for a certain reason that of course I can't remember.  I think this time it was finances because I found myself needing a navy blue shirt to match the rest of my family.  I felt so guilty about spending any type of money because I was "horrible" at finances that I found a shirt at Wal-mart on the clearance rack for $3.  I was so proud that I had spent little or no money.  But I remember thinking in the check out line that I wasn't even worth the $3.  I was a loser.  A poor financier.  A failure.

Empty.

I have looked back at that picture, even recently.  We look like the perfect "shell" of a family.  Sparkly, matchy, smiley, happy.  We are perfect, right?  I have studied my face.  I remember feeling so worthless, helpless and hopeless that day.  My eyes say it all.  They were sadly calling out for help, "I'm empty everyone! Help me!"

I think that one of the very huge mistakes that I made was making sure everyone knew about my sparkly, happy outer layer.  I didn't want ANYONE to hold up my shell to their ears to find out there was nothing inside.

Disclaimer:  Some might argue that my head is a lot like a shell with no brain inside.  Sometimes I might have to agree with that.  Let's just get that out there.  We are not focusing on my IQ here, rather my heart, my soul, my spirit.  LOL!!  THAT empty shell....wink.

So when I finally decided that I wanted to separate and then later divorce, so many people were shocked and confused because I looked to happy and sparkly and perfect.  I did a really good job at distracting those around me with my outward self that I didn't allow anyone to see the emptiness that was slowly engulfing me.

So how is your shell, friends?  Can you relate to how I was feeling?  I think that we all do that, to an extent.  We never want anyone to truly know what is going on in our lives.  But instead of focusing out the sparkly outside, we need to focus on what is living and what ISN'T on the inside. What is inside of you, my beautiful sparkly friends?

Here is my challenge that I will issue to you this week:

Reach out.  To someone close.  Perhaps even your husband.  Let that person know that you're struggling on the inside.  That you might even be a little empty.  That you need some sort of help inviting breath and life back into your shell.  Seek out help and little by little, your emptiness will be no more as you earnestly strive to fill your beautiful shell.

Because if I remember correctly, all it takes is a little piece of sand to produce one of the most precious gems on earth inside of a shell in the ocean.  Get that little piece of sand in there, let faith and God work their mighty miracles and before you know it, your beautiful inside will far outweigh that sparkly outer shell.

Always remember that you are precious.  And you are a gem.  And you, my friends, are so worth it.

Sparkly and Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

Super Heroes Need Refills Too!

Oh my strong friends,

How have you been? As I posted on my FB account, I had to "disappear" for a couple of months, to protect my kiddos and loved ones.  But I'm going to be honest, because that's how I do.  I've missed you.  I've missed the connection.  I've missed sharing my thoughts with you, hopefully settling your minds and hearts to a peaceful state, knowing that you're not alone.  You've helped me, too.  Somehow sharing my thoughts has been so therapeutic, knowing that I'm not alone either.  Here we are, united again, and I'm not going anywhere this time.:)  So before getting back into my story, I thought that I would refill you in on my thoughts and feelings about this whole muddy of a mess of a situation that we are in.  Because you can't just quench your thirst one single delicious drink at a restaurant....you need refills! Reminders of how good it tastes, feels and how satisfying it is!  I need a pop.  Soda.  Coke.  However you term it, I'm thirsty.

Ahhhhh, refreshing.  With my pop/soda/coke at my side......here we go.

Refill #1: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I want to reiterate that and write it in the sky.  You might feel physically alone, with everyone out of the house, in the process of divorce.  Or you might feel emotionally alone,  with husband and kids running circles around you.  I'm a believer of God and I want you to remember that you are never alone without Him.  He will always be there.  For you.  For me.  For the abuser.  He's there.  The minute you feel all by yourself, drop to your knees and ask for help.  You'll be surprised because I know you'll get that help.  If it takes something as simple as going on an errand, with the intent to make conversation with someone, then that means you haven't been alone.  And you probably made that person's day, usually most customers don't like to talk and are in a rush!  Whatever it is, if you are feeling that way, I will introduce a math concept to our blog:

Feeling alone + praying your way through it = tender mercies will flow, just look.

(We just did  a word problem! We've got this! haha)

Refill #2:  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.  You're a superhero, remember? Tap into that strength to let yourself build up, get stronger and prepare to handle whatever might lie ahead.  

It's confession time, friends.  About a month ago, I took that cape off.  I went through a horrific and heartbreaking situation, only because it involved one of my children and what they were being told by their certain parent figure and there was NOTHING I could do about it.  That hopeless feeling where my arms went limp and every nerve cringed because I couldn't help one of my babies.  I was weak, exhausted and cried a lot because my little one didn't need to have such a heavy adult issue burdening their precious mind.  I went to the gym to work off the frustration and had a complete panic attack.  I felt like I was going to fall off of the elliptical.  I couldn't breathe, I thought the world was going to come crashing down and worst of all, I thought I would break a bone falling off of the machine and then an ambulance would have to come and get me.  That would be so embarrassing.....So I prayed!! Something like this, "God, I'm about to make a complete fool out of myself, please make the panic attack stop and send blood to my head NOW!"  Then, my tender mercy momma, who must have received inspiration to text me, sent me something like this: "You are stronger than you think you are, my daughter. You can do this." Can you believe that? Coincidental timing? I think not.  The panic attack subsided.  No ambulance and flailing body....phew!  But I knew that I was letting the kryptonite take over and make me weak, I needed to get that cape back on prove my strength.  So I did, with the help of my answered prayer, through my amazing mom.  And now I might be a little bit stronger now, too.  Just sayin....;)

Potty break time....these refills are going right through us! ha!

Refill #3:  YOU CAN DO THIS!! It's all about moving forward.  And I feel that I should remind you that once again, I am not an advocate of divorce.  If you absolutely adore your hubs, just hate the temper, there's hope.  But if you've come to a dead end and you know there's no hope, then you'll do the right thing.  It's all about baby steps, moving forward.  I believe that if you're stagnant, you're not progressing.  Even if you're falling short (like me taking my cape off and facing a near death on the elliptical) you're still moving.  But I want you to move forward.  Little by little, bit by bit.  

Last refill #4:  YOU are so important and loved.  You matter.  You are needed by your loved ones around you.  God loves you.  Look at how you're growing, becoming stronger,  and surviving.  You.  Are.  Amazing.  This is the shortest paragraph, but it's the most important one. 

And now that our thirst is quenched, I feel that my story can continue.  Stay tuned.  

Until then.......Strengthly Yours,

aMOMynous

What do you choose?

My lovely, strong friends,

So I sat down last night to blog.  I stared at a blank computer screen.  What was it that you amazing people needed to hear, to listen, to read? I stared and I stared.  It wasn't flowing through my fingertips, like it usually does.  I stared some more.  I started writing a paragraph, then laughed at my dorkiness and erased it.  I sat, propped up in my bed, with my DRY pillowcase and stared.  Then the next thing I knew, my neck was kinked to the side, there may or may not have been a little drool trickling down my cheek and my laptop was on my chest, with the bare screen.  I couldn't think of what/how I wanted to write so I made the CHOICE to close that laptop, rollover and sleep on it.  I've discovered, being single, that I have a problem.  I have 4 kiddos, 2 jobs and one me.  No sympathy, please.  I CHOSE this.  But my problem is that whenever I sit down, necks will kink, drool will trickle and electronic devices will end up on my chest.  One time I woke myself up when my phone hit my face....I know, it's bad.  But I CHOOSE to blog.  I would rather reach out, bare my soul, lose sleep, but somehow have a spring in my step the next day, knowing that I've been in contact with you.

By the way, notice the theme I'm going with tonight? Yep. Choices.  Choosing.

Because I realized that God hadn't prompted me with what I needed to write.  Until this morning, at a four way stop on my way to work.  One word: Choice.  Everyday we make millions and bazillions of choices, right? Some are important: like which bills will I pay and still keep food on the table? Others less important: do I have enough time to press the snooze button one more time? The latter is the toughest choice these days.  But all in all, we make choices everyday.  Most of which will affect our lives either that day or the future.  And we are free to choose. Some things we don't choose.......

That's where you popped into my mind, while I was tiredly remember the rule about which car goes first when we all approach the 4-way stop at the same time.  You.  Some of you didn't get to choose the single life you are now living.  Some of you, like me, chose to leave an abusive relationship.  Some of you have chosen to get help, save and salvage your marriage, which can be an immense blessing.  My children didn't get to choose their situation, but they are choosing how this situation is affecting their lives.  Then I thought of the greatest choice I made......

I CHOSE to marry my husband.  No one forced me.  I made that decision on my own.  So I shouldn't be blogging, telling my story when I chose to marry this man, right? It's true.  I did choose him.  But I did not choose the way I would be treated.  I didn't choose to the be the culprit of his anger.  I didn't choose any of that.  But I can't sit here, looking at the screen and blame him.  I chose him.  The rest was his choice.  I was the one, also, that chose how I would react.  I chose to let his words get the best of me.  I chose that.

While we were living in our beautiful dream house that I loved, I remember this being a very difficult time for my self-worth.  I had chosen to let the abuse get the best of me and my worth was in the toilet.  Something started happening in the wake of his temper and tantrums.  He would get that mean, ugly face on, do his thing with me, then leave me there to take in what had just happened.  I would usually become extremely ill the next day.  I would either have a migraine, flu symptoms, or just completely lethargic from it all.

I remember one evening we were going to an adult-only church meeting thing.  It was in the evening, we had gotten a sitter and we were driving to the meeting.  Once again, he got really mad.  I've sat here scratching my head, wondering what that fight was over. But I just can't remember.  It could have been that we were late.  He would get so mad when we would be late to a function.  So I remember that when we arrived at the church, he stomped in and I was behind him.  But I wasn't feeling so good.  I told him to go and find us a seat, while I went in to the restroom, locked the door and dry heaved for a good 5 minutes.  My tears streamed down my face in between heaves.  After a while, I knew that I needed to get out of the bathroom, clear up my face and go and sit down with him.  He didn't even bat an eye. I sat next to him, he put his arm around me and for the next two hours, we listened to the speaker talking about the importance of marriage, treating your spouse with the love and respect that they so greatly deserve, and loving each other.  The tears didn't stop.

I wanted to stand up and shout from my chair, "This is what my husband just said to me on our way here.  Tell me this isn't right, people!  Tell me!!" Of course I didn't, I swept it all under the rug.   I even caught a glimpse of him while the speakers were speaking.  He had a bit of a smug grin.  Maybe a fake grin.  Rubbing my shoulders as if nothing had happened.  The dry heaving.  That was a bad night.  My pillow was pretty wet.

So with all of our choices that we were making, my husband and I, we chose to add another little baby to the mix.  Because that's what leapers, sweepers and weepers do, right? Add babies.  But oh, how I loved this baby.  It's like she was delivered with a ray of sunshine.  No, not that spotlight they shine on you for the world to see your birth,  but this amazing ray of happiness.  She was a ray of light in a dark time for me.  That was God's tender mercy.  Don't get me wrong, I don't play favorites with my kids, but she was an answer to my silent pleas to God....if He was hearing any of my eye-rolling prayers.  An angel from heaven, still to this day.  That was a good choice, as were my other three kids.  Bringing 4 resilient amazing children into the world.

All of these choices, my friends.  There are so many of them.  Here is my challenge to you tonight:

I want you to CHOOSE to believe in yourself.  I want you to CHOOSE to believe that you are so worth it.  You are worth it in God's eyes.  You are worth it in my eyes.  CHOOSE to believe that, will you?  CHOOSE to believe that you have something mighty in store for you.  CHOOSE to believe that you are important enough and that you deserve all the happiness in the world.

And by CHOOSING to believe these things, you will find a strength like no other and you'll notice that your burdens will be just a bit lighter.  I promise.  :)

Now I am CHOOSING to tell you that you are amazing.

Because you are.


Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

Leaps, Faith and Leaps of Faith

My dearest of friends,

It's Sunday night.  My heart is full.  Do you want to know why? I can't get YOU out of my mind. As I share my story, I feel a strange bond that is developing.  Not in a creepy way...don't worry.  I know that there are silent friends out there.  That read and weep, right along with me.  I LOVE your comments, your messages, your "likes." We are bonding, friends.  And I hope that you are realizing that you are NOT alone.  You have been silently suffering for so long.  You have been your own Super Hero of your life, and you haven't even realized it!  As I hear your stories, I realize that I'M not alone!!  The first few posts literally drained my energy.  I believe that those posts drained the toxins that I've been holding on to for years.  Now I find that with each blog, I am gaining a renewed strength! Friends, I thought I was strong before......so once again, I thank you.  Thank you for joining me on this journey.  For being your strong selves.  Perhaps our strength TOGETHER is creating this bond. A force for good.  We are here for each other.  And we are safe.  Please know that.  YOU are safe.

So this whole sharing-my-story thing got me thinking.  Watch out world, I'm thinking!! I got thinking about leaping.  And faith-ing.  Then it led me to leaping with faith-ing, otherwise known as leaps of faith. ;) After all, it is the weekend.  A time that we practice our "faith" by going to church, worshipping and making new promises to better our lives until next faith weekend.

Leaping.  Have you ever leapt to get out of the way? Leapt to avoid getting hit in the face with a dodgeball? Leapt out of the way of a rattlesnake? (That would be more like a leap, roll, scream, and run--but you get my drift). Basically, leaping to escape harm or danger?  I have for sure.  And in a figurative sense, I would leap to avoid a lot of the anger or just to avoid my sadness.  This was my coping mechanism in my marriage.  Leaping to avoid.  Then sweeping the mess under the rug.  Leaping and sweeping, then later weeping.  It's rhyme time, friends.  ;) I would sense an upcoming rage, and "leap" away....find something to do, somewhere to be, somehow to avoid.  I would be ignorant, in a sense.  Sometimes, and usually most times, it would still end up in confrontation, but I would be able to avoid for a while.  I remember one time, around my birthday, I was doing a good job avoiding.  I had agreed to help with a group craft.  I needed to cut out a whole bunch of wood to supply the craft for my big group of women.  One night, he was starting to get "on one."  I quickly leapt out to the garage to cut out wood.  It was loud.  I could drown out any noise and just cut.  I loved it.  I love the smell of pine when I cut wood and I love power tools.  I know, weird.  But I was in a happy place for the moment.  Then he came outside.

He said, "Your friends just called.  They're taking you out for your birthday. But it's supposed to be a surprise.  Go get in the car and I'll drop you off."  But he wasn't happy about this.  Remember how he was jealous of the attention and love I was getting from friends and loved ones? Yah, this didn't go over so well.  I felt so bad, because he was on one anyway, and now I was going to go and celebrate ME with my girlfriends and leave him home to "babysit?" I knew I was in trouble.  I asked him to just call back and tell them not to worry.  But he angrily insisted.  I knew I would pay for it later.  I went, with sawdust in my hair.  I had a great time, but with a pit in my stomach, knowing the repercussions when I got home.  Luckily we stayed out late enough that he was asleep when I got home.  But I do remember the next few days were filled with angry silence.  I swept it under the rug, just accepting it, not dealing with it.  It was a bad birthday.  I just felt guilty that we were celebrating my life, which I was a failure at.  So for my birthday I leapt, I swept and I wept.      

Faith.  Faith is what got me through, every day.  Faith in God, faith in my kids, and faith that everything would work out for the best. Forever the faithful optimist.  That's who I was and still am.  The Glad Game Girl.  The Faith Above All Else Girl.  Because according to George Michael, we've gotta have it.  Sing it friends, sing it loud.  I'm a believer.  I know that the sun will rise every morning.  I know that God hears and answers prayers.  I have faith in all of that.  I had the faith, yet felt like a failure.  Does that even make sense? I definitely had faith that God was aware of my pain.  And he would tell me through the girls that I loved and served, my sweet kids and spiritual moments that He was aware and He knew of my struggles.  I had faith in that.  I knew I needed to hang on-for something.  Or some-ones.  Or someone.  So I kept that faith.  And relied on it.  I would need it for later on........

Leaps of faith.  This is the most important thing I want to discuss tonight.  Leaps of faith.  Sometimes, we need a great deal of faith to leap and avoid.  OR leap with faith to confront.  How about a leap of faith to face your silent suffering? To own it? To admit it?  I was in denial for years.  Like I have said, I never thought I would have been THAT girl.  That person that was abused.  Maybe it's time to take that leap of faith and not be silent about it anymore.  That's up to you, friends.  I won't force you to do anything.  I just want you to think about taking that leap of faith.  One of my all time favorite movies is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  Do you remember the part of the movie when Dr. Jones is almost to the Goblet?  But there's a deep ravine in between him and the 700 year old dude with the Goblet.  His only clue: "Last is the breath of God, Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth." Indy knew that the only way to get across was to take that leap.  He was nervous.  He didn't know the outcome.  Remember the scene where he closed his eyes, stretched his leg out and stepped out.  Then it was revealed to him that he was on an invisible bridge....he even threw some rocks on it to guide his way across.  But he was the one that initially stepped out into the unknown.

I remember my first "leap of faith."  Perhaps the leap of realization that required faith to accept that something was wrong.  Every other year my sister and I would meet at a religious university to attend a Women's Conference.  Yes, friends, 21,000 women would congregate to learn, grow, serve and of course, EAT! These are all things that we women do best.  About 6 or 7 years ago, I made the trek in my car to meet my sister.  I remember that my husband had gotten really mad at me.  Of course I can't remember why.  The mental block kicked in.  But I do remember that he was so mad that I cried for most of the several hour drive.  When I met my sister at the university that night, we went out to eat (of course!) and I told her my sadness from the day.  The events from that day.  I had never opened up to her but I felt so bad, that I needed to talk to someone.

I remember her looking me in the eyes and saying, "Sis, that sounds like verbal abuse."

What? Verbal abuse? Me? Couldn't be.....or could it?  That night, I lay in my dorm bed.  Verbal abuse.  Verbal abuse.  Verbal abuse.  I decided that maybe I needed to confront those two words.  I stuck out my leg, closed my eyes and took that step.  I didn't fall!! Phew! That was scary.  Too scary.  I threw out the rocks so I could see the bridge a little better.  That 700 year old dude was waiting for me.  I stood standing on the bridge.  I had a great week with my sister.  I drove home....anticipating my return to my husband.  Of course I got an apology.  Of course I got promises that he would control his temper and work on it.  And I did something I knew I would.  I stepped back.  I swept the rocks from the bridge under the rug.  So no one would see the bridge.  700 year old dude would have to wait.

Haven't we done that friends? Maybe let our fear get the best of us? Take a step, test it out, then chicken out and take a step back? I did that a few times.  My fear was that I wasn't ready for the "bridge" and to walk across it.  I was afraid of my husband. So that initial leap of faith was terrifying.  I decided to stay on that ledge and hang out for a little while longer.

What is holding you back, friends? What is on the other side of the ravine waiting for you? Please remember that I am not encouraging divorce on this blog.  But perhaps you might be feeling like that life is ahead of you.  Maybe 700 year old dude is seeming pretty attractive at this point....kidding! :) Perhaps on the other side of the ravine is a new life with you and your spouse.  Perhaps there is great healing on the other side.  Whatever it is, it is waiting for you, my strong friends.  All you need to do is take that great leap of faith and take that first step.  And in my eyes, it's okay if you take a step, then step back.  Take that step, then step back.  Because whatever is waiting for you on the other side, will remain there.  It will wait.  You are building the strength, the FAITH to take that leap. And I know you can do it.

"What if I fall?  Oh, my darling, what if you fly?"

Exactly.

Your journey awaits.

So does 700 year old dude. ;)


Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

It's Mirror Time, Friends :)

My sweet, STRONG, praying friends,

Have you prayed? Have you thanked God for being you? Have you reminded yourself that you are SO worth it?  How are those brooms? Hopefully they were thrown out in this week's garbage.  I'm just checking in, regrouping, okay, FINE...nagging.  That's what I do best.  I'm a mom, remember? ;)  I want to nag the strength right out of that deep dark place that's been hiding in you.  Oh, it's coming, friends.  I have a feeling it's already started......

Back to story time: :)

In the house that I love.  A new place.  We're making roots.  Establishing ourselves.  I was drowning my unhappiness into my happy "outside" life.  Volunteering in classrooms, serving in my church, smiling, making friends.  My "outside" self was so happy.  People appreciated me.  They would say nice things to me.  They would lift me up, buoy me up, and make me feel so good.  I was beginning to establish a "reputation" in our community.  Everyone liked this happy new addition to the community and church.  And I sure liked everyone.  But the only person I wanted the praise and adoration from was my husband, without the anger.   I would go about my daily duties, receiving compliments, kindness, returning the favors and loving the daily life.  Then I would round the corner to come home to my dream house, see my husband's car in the driveway, and get a pit in my stomach.  The smile would slowly fade, my shoulders would tense up and I would prepare for whatever egg shells lay on the ground to walk on.  I was a busy mommy of 3 and I loved that they were my distraction at home.  I also served the young girls in my church-I was the President.  God's tender mercies gave me those young girls.  Twice now.  I absolutely LOVED sharing with those girls how special they were, how much potential they had and their true divine worth.  The other women that I worked with serving those young girls? Divine angels.  It was a love fest every Sunday.  And mid week.  My children, those girls and those women saved my life.

Okay, so are you gagging about now? Asking, "Why is aMOMynous bragging about how much everyone liked her?" Like, gag me with a spoon.  Ha!  There's a reason.  Something triggered inside of my husband.  He didn't like the attention that people were giving me.  He didn't like that I was in the "spotlight" (in his eyes).  He was.....jealous.  He would give me a hard time about it, almost mockingly.  "We walk into the room and everyone flocks to you.  What about me? Am I nothing?"  So do you see where I'm going with this? I couldn't even do my daily, happy thing without hearing about it later.  I would feel guilty that he wasn't receiving the attention he wanted/needed.  I would feel guilty if we walked into a room and people came over to me.  I would feel guilty that those young girls loved me so much.  Guilt.  Guilt.  More guilt to add to my sad prayers at night.

"God, I am so sorry that I have made friends.  I am so sorry that I love those girls and they love me.  I am so sorry that I get attention instead of my husband."  I bet God rolled His eyes at those prayers...;)

So my husband also had a high calling in our church at that time, too.  It was demanding, on both of our parts, to lead those that we were called to lead, take care of our young children and deal with all of the rest of our problems.  One day, my husband and I were driving.  I was figuring things out with my cute girls that I loved so much and he snapped.  He said that one of us had to be "released" from our church service.  We both couldn't do it anymore and "since everyone loves me so much more" he should be the one to be released.  I was chomping on a guilt sandwich by this time.  He enjoyed having his high calling.  And I really didn't mind being released as the President.  So I guiltily made the call, asking for me to be released.  Our clergyman didn't feel that it was right for either of us to be released so he kept us where we were.  And so did my guilt.  So now I felt like I couldn't go about my happy day, enjoying, uplifting and helping others, because I would hear about it later.

Now that I look back, I realized that it was then that control started entering our marriage.  He would question every place I was going, why I was doing what I was doing, and I was doing too much-I needed to scale back.  So when I left the house, I felt guilty.  Taking meals in? Guilt.  Attending my teenage girls extracurricular activities to support them? Guilt.  Helping during Teacher Appreciation Week? Yah, you get it.  So now, I was transforming into Early Thirties Guilty Girl.  The happiness that I was feeling during the day was now being sucked away and replaced by those guilt sandwiches.   Which, in my eyes, was a way to control or manipulate me.

Oh, how my heart ached!!  My one refuge was the day, and now I felt bad about that, too.  This was when I started really hating who I was.  I would have such thoughts as, "If I wasn't such a crappy wife, he would be happy.  If I didn't go and help others, he would be happy.  If I didn't spend so much money (which I really didn't), he would be happy.  If I ignored the girls that I loved, he would be happy.  I hated myself.  My existence, my purpose, my calling in life.  Look at what abuse does, friends! It destroys.  But I hadn't realized that yet.  I couldn't pinpoint the reasoning behind hating myself so much.

Do you remember Stuart Smalley (the character) from SNL?  Where he was the therapist and he would look in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"  If you haven't seen it, look it up on YouTube.  One of my favorites.  Well, I would self talk in the mirror, too.  Except I wouldn't lift myself up, I would tear myself down.  All the things that I hated about myself, I would tell Mirror Self.  How self-destructive, right? Exactly.  That was the depth of my sadness, of who I had become.  Smile Plastered on Self during the day, Mirror Self by night.

Okay, I bet you're totally judging me right now.  I'll judge me, too.  I'm sure it sounds weird that I would talk to myself in the mirror.  But that's all I knew how to cope.  I know you get it.  You have your own coping mechanisms, too, don't you?  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm the only weirdo in the universe and I'll embrace it.  Stuart would tell me to.  ;)  But we all cope with hardship and sadness in different ways.  This was my way.

And so with that knowledge, here is my challenge for you, my not-weird friends.  I KNOW this will be a strength to you.  You need it.  You NEED to believe in yourself.  So you can get through this hard time in your life.  You need to believe in yourself so you can confront your demons.  Believing in yourself will give you a strength you never knew you had.  So here it is:

Every day, I want you to do exactly what Stuart Smalley does.  Look in that mirror of yours and before Mirror Self can even tell you anything, YOU tell Mirror Self, "I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough.  And doggone it, people like me."

Because you are......enough.  You are better than enough.  You.  Are.  Incredible.

Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous