So I sat down last night to blog. I stared at a blank computer screen. What was it that you amazing people needed to hear, to listen, to read? I stared and I stared. It wasn't flowing through my fingertips, like it usually does. I stared some more. I started writing a paragraph, then laughed at my dorkiness and erased it. I sat, propped up in my bed, with my DRY pillowcase and stared. Then the next thing I knew, my neck was kinked to the side, there may or may not have been a little drool trickling down my cheek and my laptop was on my chest, with the bare screen. I couldn't think of what/how I wanted to write so I made the CHOICE to close that laptop, rollover and sleep on it. I've discovered, being single, that I have a problem. I have 4 kiddos, 2 jobs and one me. No sympathy, please. I CHOSE this. But my problem is that whenever I sit down, necks will kink, drool will trickle and electronic devices will end up on my chest. One time I woke myself up when my phone hit my face....I know, it's bad. But I CHOOSE to blog. I would rather reach out, bare my soul, lose sleep, but somehow have a spring in my step the next day, knowing that I've been in contact with you.
By the way, notice the theme I'm going with tonight? Yep. Choices. Choosing.
Because I realized that God hadn't prompted me with what I needed to write. Until this morning, at a four way stop on my way to work. One word: Choice. Everyday we make millions and bazillions of choices, right? Some are important: like which bills will I pay and still keep food on the table? Others less important: do I have enough time to press the snooze button one more time? The latter is the toughest choice these days. But all in all, we make choices everyday. Most of which will affect our lives either that day or the future. And we are free to choose. Some things we don't choose.......
That's where you popped into my mind, while I was tiredly remember the rule about which car goes first when we all approach the 4-way stop at the same time. You. Some of you didn't get to choose the single life you are now living. Some of you, like me, chose to leave an abusive relationship. Some of you have chosen to get help, save and salvage your marriage, which can be an immense blessing. My children didn't get to choose their situation, but they are choosing how this situation is affecting their lives. Then I thought of the greatest choice I made......
I CHOSE to marry my husband. No one forced me. I made that decision on my own. So I shouldn't be blogging, telling my story when I chose to marry this man, right? It's true. I did choose him. But I did not choose the way I would be treated. I didn't choose to the be the culprit of his anger. I didn't choose any of that. But I can't sit here, looking at the screen and blame him. I chose him. The rest was his choice. I was the one, also, that chose how I would react. I chose to let his words get the best of me. I chose that.
While we were living in our beautiful dream house that I loved, I remember this being a very difficult time for my self-worth. I had chosen to let the abuse get the best of me and my worth was in the toilet. Something started happening in the wake of his temper and tantrums. He would get that mean, ugly face on, do his thing with me, then leave me there to take in what had just happened. I would usually become extremely ill the next day. I would either have a migraine, flu symptoms, or just completely lethargic from it all.
I remember one evening we were going to an adult-only church meeting thing. It was in the evening, we had gotten a sitter and we were driving to the meeting. Once again, he got really mad. I've sat here scratching my head, wondering what that fight was over. But I just can't remember. It could have been that we were late. He would get so mad when we would be late to a function. So I remember that when we arrived at the church, he stomped in and I was behind him. But I wasn't feeling so good. I told him to go and find us a seat, while I went in to the restroom, locked the door and dry heaved for a good 5 minutes. My tears streamed down my face in between heaves. After a while, I knew that I needed to get out of the bathroom, clear up my face and go and sit down with him. He didn't even bat an eye. I sat next to him, he put his arm around me and for the next two hours, we listened to the speaker talking about the importance of marriage, treating your spouse with the love and respect that they so greatly deserve, and loving each other. The tears didn't stop.
I wanted to stand up and shout from my chair, "This is what my husband just said to me on our way here. Tell me this isn't right, people! Tell me!!" Of course I didn't, I swept it all under the rug. I even caught a glimpse of him while the speakers were speaking. He had a bit of a smug grin. Maybe a fake grin. Rubbing my shoulders as if nothing had happened. The dry heaving. That was a bad night. My pillow was pretty wet.
So with all of our choices that we were making, my husband and I, we chose to add another little baby to the mix. Because that's what leapers, sweepers and weepers do, right? Add babies. But oh, how I loved this baby. It's like she was delivered with a ray of sunshine. No, not that spotlight they shine on you for the world to see your birth, but this amazing ray of happiness. She was a ray of light in a dark time for me. That was God's tender mercy. Don't get me wrong, I don't play favorites with my kids, but she was an answer to my silent pleas to God....if He was hearing any of my eye-rolling prayers. An angel from heaven, still to this day. That was a good choice, as were my other three kids. Bringing 4 resilient amazing children into the world.
All of these choices, my friends. There are so many of them. Here is my challenge to you tonight:
I want you to CHOOSE to believe in yourself. I want you to CHOOSE to believe that you are so worth it. You are worth it in God's eyes. You are worth it in my eyes. CHOOSE to believe that, will you? CHOOSE to believe that you have something mighty in store for you. CHOOSE to believe that you are important enough and that you deserve all the happiness in the world.
And by CHOOSING to believe these things, you will find a strength like no other and you'll notice that your burdens will be just a bit lighter. I promise. :)
Now I am CHOOSING to tell you that you are amazing.
Because you are.
Strengthly yours,
aMOMynous
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