My sweet, STRONG, praying friends,
Have you prayed? Have you thanked God for being you? Have you reminded yourself that you are SO worth it? How are those brooms? Hopefully they were thrown out in this week's garbage. I'm just checking in, regrouping, okay, FINE...nagging. That's what I do best. I'm a mom, remember? ;) I want to nag the strength right out of that deep dark place that's been hiding in you. Oh, it's coming, friends. I have a feeling it's already started......
Back to story time: :)
In the house that I love. A new place. We're making roots. Establishing ourselves. I was drowning my unhappiness into my happy "outside" life. Volunteering in classrooms, serving in my church, smiling, making friends. My "outside" self was so happy. People appreciated me. They would say nice things to me. They would lift me up, buoy me up, and make me feel so good. I was beginning to establish a "reputation" in our community. Everyone liked this happy new addition to the community and church. And I sure liked everyone. But the only person I wanted the praise and adoration from was my husband, without the anger. I would go about my daily duties, receiving compliments, kindness, returning the favors and loving the daily life. Then I would round the corner to come home to my dream house, see my husband's car in the driveway, and get a pit in my stomach. The smile would slowly fade, my shoulders would tense up and I would prepare for whatever egg shells lay on the ground to walk on. I was a busy mommy of 3 and I loved that they were my distraction at home. I also served the young girls in my church-I was the President. God's tender mercies gave me those young girls. Twice now. I absolutely LOVED sharing with those girls how special they were, how much potential they had and their true divine worth. The other women that I worked with serving those young girls? Divine angels. It was a love fest every Sunday. And mid week. My children, those girls and those women saved my life.
Okay, so are you gagging about now? Asking, "Why is aMOMynous bragging about how much everyone liked her?" Like, gag me with a spoon. Ha! There's a reason. Something triggered inside of my husband. He didn't like the attention that people were giving me. He didn't like that I was in the "spotlight" (in his eyes). He was.....jealous. He would give me a hard time about it, almost mockingly. "We walk into the room and everyone flocks to you. What about me? Am I nothing?" So do you see where I'm going with this? I couldn't even do my daily, happy thing without hearing about it later. I would feel guilty that he wasn't receiving the attention he wanted/needed. I would feel guilty if we walked into a room and people came over to me. I would feel guilty that those young girls loved me so much. Guilt. Guilt. More guilt to add to my sad prayers at night.
"God, I am so sorry that I have made friends. I am so sorry that I love those girls and they love me. I am so sorry that I get attention instead of my husband." I bet God rolled His eyes at those prayers...;)
So my husband also had a high calling in our church at that time, too. It was demanding, on both of our parts, to lead those that we were called to lead, take care of our young children and deal with all of the rest of our problems. One day, my husband and I were driving. I was figuring things out with my cute girls that I loved so much and he snapped. He said that one of us had to be "released" from our church service. We both couldn't do it anymore and "since everyone loves me so much more" he should be the one to be released. I was chomping on a guilt sandwich by this time. He enjoyed having his high calling. And I really didn't mind being released as the President. So I guiltily made the call, asking for me to be released. Our clergyman didn't feel that it was right for either of us to be released so he kept us where we were. And so did my guilt. So now I felt like I couldn't go about my happy day, enjoying, uplifting and helping others, because I would hear about it later.
Now that I look back, I realized that it was then that control started entering our marriage. He would question every place I was going, why I was doing what I was doing, and I was doing too much-I needed to scale back. So when I left the house, I felt guilty. Taking meals in? Guilt. Attending my teenage girls extracurricular activities to support them? Guilt. Helping during Teacher Appreciation Week? Yah, you get it. So now, I was transforming into Early Thirties Guilty Girl. The happiness that I was feeling during the day was now being sucked away and replaced by those guilt sandwiches. Which, in my eyes, was a way to control or manipulate me.
Oh, how my heart ached!! My one refuge was the day, and now I felt bad about that, too. This was when I started really hating who I was. I would have such thoughts as, "If I wasn't such a crappy wife, he would be happy. If I didn't go and help others, he would be happy. If I didn't spend so much money (which I really didn't), he would be happy. If I ignored the girls that I loved, he would be happy. I hated myself. My existence, my purpose, my calling in life. Look at what abuse does, friends! It destroys. But I hadn't realized that yet. I couldn't pinpoint the reasoning behind hating myself so much.
Do you remember Stuart Smalley (the character) from SNL? Where he was the therapist and he would look in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" If you haven't seen it, look it up on YouTube. One of my favorites. Well, I would self talk in the mirror, too. Except I wouldn't lift myself up, I would tear myself down. All the things that I hated about myself, I would tell Mirror Self. How self-destructive, right? Exactly. That was the depth of my sadness, of who I had become. Smile Plastered on Self during the day, Mirror Self by night.
Okay, I bet you're totally judging me right now. I'll judge me, too. I'm sure it sounds weird that I would talk to myself in the mirror. But that's all I knew how to cope. I know you get it. You have your own coping mechanisms, too, don't you? Maybe not. Maybe I'm the only weirdo in the universe and I'll embrace it. Stuart would tell me to. ;) But we all cope with hardship and sadness in different ways. This was my way.
And so with that knowledge, here is my challenge for you, my not-weird friends. I KNOW this will be a strength to you. You need it. You NEED to believe in yourself. So you can get through this hard time in your life. You need to believe in yourself so you can confront your demons. Believing in yourself will give you a strength you never knew you had. So here it is:
Every day, I want you to do exactly what Stuart Smalley does. Look in that mirror of yours and before Mirror Self can even tell you anything, YOU tell Mirror Self, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."
Because you are......enough. You are better than enough. You. Are. Incredible.
Strengthly yours,
aMOMynous
No comments:
Post a Comment