It's Sunday night. My heart is full. Do you want to know why? I can't get YOU out of my mind. As I share my story, I feel a strange bond that is developing. Not in a creepy way...don't worry. I know that there are silent friends out there. That read and weep, right along with me. I LOVE your comments, your messages, your "likes." We are bonding, friends. And I hope that you are realizing that you are NOT alone. You have been silently suffering for so long. You have been your own Super Hero of your life, and you haven't even realized it! As I hear your stories, I realize that I'M not alone!! The first few posts literally drained my energy. I believe that those posts drained the toxins that I've been holding on to for years. Now I find that with each blog, I am gaining a renewed strength! Friends, I thought I was strong before......so once again, I thank you. Thank you for joining me on this journey. For being your strong selves. Perhaps our strength TOGETHER is creating this bond. A force for good. We are here for each other. And we are safe. Please know that. YOU are safe.
So this whole sharing-my-story thing got me thinking. Watch out world, I'm thinking!! I got thinking about leaping. And faith-ing. Then it led me to leaping with faith-ing, otherwise known as leaps of faith. ;) After all, it is the weekend. A time that we practice our "faith" by going to church, worshipping and making new promises to better our lives until next faith weekend.
Leaping. Have you ever leapt to get out of the way? Leapt to avoid getting hit in the face with a dodgeball? Leapt out of the way of a rattlesnake? (That would be more like a leap, roll, scream, and run--but you get my drift). Basically, leaping to escape harm or danger? I have for sure. And in a figurative sense, I would leap to avoid a lot of the anger or just to avoid my sadness. This was my coping mechanism in my marriage. Leaping to avoid. Then sweeping the mess under the rug. Leaping and sweeping, then later weeping. It's rhyme time, friends. ;) I would sense an upcoming rage, and "leap" away....find something to do, somewhere to be, somehow to avoid. I would be ignorant, in a sense. Sometimes, and usually most times, it would still end up in confrontation, but I would be able to avoid for a while. I remember one time, around my birthday, I was doing a good job avoiding. I had agreed to help with a group craft. I needed to cut out a whole bunch of wood to supply the craft for my big group of women. One night, he was starting to get "on one." I quickly leapt out to the garage to cut out wood. It was loud. I could drown out any noise and just cut. I loved it. I love the smell of pine when I cut wood and I love power tools. I know, weird. But I was in a happy place for the moment. Then he came outside.
He said, "Your friends just called. They're taking you out for your birthday. But it's supposed to be a surprise. Go get in the car and I'll drop you off." But he wasn't happy about this. Remember how he was jealous of the attention and love I was getting from friends and loved ones? Yah, this didn't go over so well. I felt so bad, because he was on one anyway, and now I was going to go and celebrate ME with my girlfriends and leave him home to "babysit?" I knew I was in trouble. I asked him to just call back and tell them not to worry. But he angrily insisted. I knew I would pay for it later. I went, with sawdust in my hair. I had a great time, but with a pit in my stomach, knowing the repercussions when I got home. Luckily we stayed out late enough that he was asleep when I got home. But I do remember the next few days were filled with angry silence. I swept it under the rug, just accepting it, not dealing with it. It was a bad birthday. I just felt guilty that we were celebrating my life, which I was a failure at. So for my birthday I leapt, I swept and I wept.
Faith. Faith is what got me through, every day. Faith in God, faith in my kids, and faith that everything would work out for the best. Forever the faithful optimist. That's who I was and still am. The Glad Game Girl. The Faith Above All Else Girl. Because according to George Michael, we've gotta have it. Sing it friends, sing it loud. I'm a believer. I know that the sun will rise every morning. I know that God hears and answers prayers. I have faith in all of that. I had the faith, yet felt like a failure. Does that even make sense? I definitely had faith that God was aware of my pain. And he would tell me through the girls that I loved and served, my sweet kids and spiritual moments that He was aware and He knew of my struggles. I had faith in that. I knew I needed to hang on-for something. Or some-ones. Or someone. So I kept that faith. And relied on it. I would need it for later on........
Leaps of faith. This is the most important thing I want to discuss tonight. Leaps of faith. Sometimes, we need a great deal of faith to leap and avoid. OR leap with faith to confront. How about a leap of faith to face your silent suffering? To own it? To admit it? I was in denial for years. Like I have said, I never thought I would have been THAT girl. That person that was abused. Maybe it's time to take that leap of faith and not be silent about it anymore. That's up to you, friends. I won't force you to do anything. I just want you to think about taking that leap of faith. One of my all time favorite movies is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Do you remember the part of the movie when Dr. Jones is almost to the Goblet? But there's a deep ravine in between him and the 700 year old dude with the Goblet. His only clue: "Last is the breath of God, Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth." Indy knew that the only way to get across was to take that leap. He was nervous. He didn't know the outcome. Remember the scene where he closed his eyes, stretched his leg out and stepped out. Then it was revealed to him that he was on an invisible bridge....he even threw some rocks on it to guide his way across. But he was the one that initially stepped out into the unknown.
I remember my first "leap of faith." Perhaps the leap of realization that required faith to accept that something was wrong. Every other year my sister and I would meet at a religious university to attend a Women's Conference. Yes, friends, 21,000 women would congregate to learn, grow, serve and of course, EAT! These are all things that we women do best. About 6 or 7 years ago, I made the trek in my car to meet my sister. I remember that my husband had gotten really mad at me. Of course I can't remember why. The mental block kicked in. But I do remember that he was so mad that I cried for most of the several hour drive. When I met my sister at the university that night, we went out to eat (of course!) and I told her my sadness from the day. The events from that day. I had never opened up to her but I felt so bad, that I needed to talk to someone.
I remember her looking me in the eyes and saying, "Sis, that sounds like verbal abuse."
What? Verbal abuse? Me? Couldn't be.....or could it? That night, I lay in my dorm bed. Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse. I decided that maybe I needed to confront those two words. I stuck out my leg, closed my eyes and took that step. I didn't fall!! Phew! That was scary. Too scary. I threw out the rocks so I could see the bridge a little better. That 700 year old dude was waiting for me. I stood standing on the bridge. I had a great week with my sister. I drove home....anticipating my return to my husband. Of course I got an apology. Of course I got promises that he would control his temper and work on it. And I did something I knew I would. I stepped back. I swept the rocks from the bridge under the rug. So no one would see the bridge. 700 year old dude would have to wait.
Haven't we done that friends? Maybe let our fear get the best of us? Take a step, test it out, then chicken out and take a step back? I did that a few times. My fear was that I wasn't ready for the "bridge" and to walk across it. I was afraid of my husband. So that initial leap of faith was terrifying. I decided to stay on that ledge and hang out for a little while longer.
What is holding you back, friends? What is on the other side of the ravine waiting for you? Please remember that I am not encouraging divorce on this blog. But perhaps you might be feeling like that life is ahead of you. Maybe 700 year old dude is seeming pretty attractive at this point....kidding! :) Perhaps on the other side of the ravine is a new life with you and your spouse. Perhaps there is great healing on the other side. Whatever it is, it is waiting for you, my strong friends. All you need to do is take that great leap of faith and take that first step. And in my eyes, it's okay if you take a step, then step back. Take that step, then step back. Because whatever is waiting for you on the other side, will remain there. It will wait. You are building the strength, the FAITH to take that leap. And I know you can do it.
"What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?"
Exactly.
Your journey awaits.
So does 700 year old dude. ;)
Strengthly yours,
aMOMynous
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