The Day I Knew My Marriage Was Over

January 20, 2016

My Strong Friends,

Happy New Year!! We are well into 2016 and hopefully your New Years Resolutions are going strong.  I made a goal to eat breakfast every morning.  As long as Diet Coke counts for that, I'm rocking the resolution! Haha!!

But, as I have started to approach the anniversary of my divorce, I've been thinking a lot about it.  And I felt tonight, that I needed to share the day that I knew my marriage was over.  It's kind of depressing, but I wonder if a lot of you can share in the same feelings that I had.

And so my story continues.....

Do you remember when I told you several blogs back that I had watched a church talk about the effects of the tears that wives shed over their husbands? That they will be held accountable in heaven? Then the speaker went on to talk about physical, emotional and verbal abuse.  I could relate because I shed a lot of tears when nobody was looking.  But I never thought I was THAT wife that was abused!  I always imagined it to be the one on the commercials...looking scraggly with bruises on her body.  So I knew it was time to investigate.  Research, rather.  The following Monday morning, I dropped my youngest off at preschool and I had 3 extra hours.  I drove to the Walmart parking lot, found a remote parking space, turned off my car and starting researching on my phone.  I googled "emotional abuse."  What I found by clicking on that search button was something that would begin the unraveling of my marriage.  I found article after article about emotional and verbal abuse...all about the abusee and the abuser.  The symptoms, signs, suggestions and more.  Some were different, but mostly similar in attributes of the abuser and help for the abusee.  The only reason I knew that I fit in that category, was that I could checkmark each symptom or sign of abuse that my husband showed.  Every one but "embarrassing/humiliating in public".  He never did that.  In fact, he would praise me in front of others, yet put me down and make me feel horrible in private.  I remember specifically at the bottom of this article, there was an asterisk with the following:

"If you can checkmark three or more of these symptoms/signs, get out immediately and call the abuse hotline."

I panicked.  I cried.  I sobbed.  In the back of my minivan in the Walmart parking lot, I was a hot mess.  I really was abused!! This was real, folks!  I wasn't scraggly with bruises all over but I was bruised and scraggly on the inside.  And I had to run? Get out immediately? How was I supposed to do that?  I cried and sobbed the whole time that my little one was in preschool.  Then I slapped on the happy mom face and picked her up and carried along with my day.  Who was I supposed to turn to? I remember feeling earth shattering panic.  I needed to confront my husband.  I needed to go to the source.  I think it took me a couple of days but I mustered up the courage and confronted him.  When we had a moment alone, I showed him a video clip of that talk and told him that I think he was verbally and emotionally abusing me, that this is serious and we needed to take action immediately.  When an abuser is confronted, what usually happens? Disbelief, denial, blame.  He was very mad and wouldn't really acknowledge me for 3 days.  I was petrified.  It was as if Pandora's Box was opened and there was no going back.  I never escaped.  I never called the hotline.  In fact, I decided that this was a little too much and I needed to sweep this under the rug for now.  However, this pile of garbage couldn't be hidden by a metaphoric rug.  This had to be dealt with.  It was just a matter of time.

And this story gets more interesting.  The next blog will be all of the unravelings of my marriage.

Here's the question, my beautiful STRONG friends:  Was it worth it? Was it worth it to confront him? To let him know that this was serious business and had to be addressed? That I discovered that I was, in fact, abused?

Absolutely.  And I'll tell you why.

The journey that commenced after this day is a journey that I, only I, needed to experience to be the woman I am today.

Remember how I was sobbing like a blubbering mess in the Walmart parking lot? I was kind of talking to myself, but I was mostly blubbering to God.  Asking Him what I should do.  How I should handle this.  How I go on.  This was the first day that He showed me that He gave me a backbone and I should probably use it, no matter the outcome.  I realized that's where my strength came from.  God.  Oh, and my backbone. ;)

So here it is my people.  No matter what station you are in your life, whether you're discovering like I did, that you are abused.  Whether you've already accepted it and contemplating what to do.  Here's my advice:

Get on your knees and ask HIM.  Then, using your backbone that He gave to you, stand up.  Stand tall.  Stand strong.

And prepare yourself for your journey.  Because it's yours only.

I love you.  You can do this, whatever "this" in your life might be.  Do it.

Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous2015

im·plode imˈplōd/Submit verb 1. collapse or cause to collapse violently inward.

                                                                             

My dearest SuperHeroes,

I'm BACK!! Phew! Yes, I'm alive.  I have missed you.  I have thought about you.  I have prayed for you.  And oh, heavens, I have been busy.  I have had HUGE life changes happen and it's taken a while to let the dust settle.  I moved to a completely new location, knowing a couple of people, but letting God direct my path.  I have started a new job, with my brain learning and growing a new field, which I LOVE.  I have been a momma to my kids full time, as my ex husband has been trying to move to my new location as well, with visits whenever he can.  So pretty much, I had to take a step back, put on my cape, and with all my strength and might, be a real-life Superhero to my kids and myself during this huge transition.

As you have been in my thoughts, and here we are the day before Halloween, I have seen so many cute SuperHero costumes on kiddos at school and shopping.  I couldn't help but think of MY Superheroes--YOU.  And as I have met so many amazing people in my new location, I thought of a particular conversation with a friend, who is going through a divorce as well.  One comment that she made, struck a chord, made me think of you, and now I need to share.  She was telling me that on the "Outside" of her marriage everything looked perfect (according to our religion) how a family SHOULD look.  Especially a husband and wife.

But her marriage was imploding.

IMPLODING. That word pummeled me.  My friend nailed it.

MY marriage imploded.  We both let it happen.

Dictionary.com Definition of Implode:

To burst inward (opposite of explode)

Have you ever seen a building, right before it's imploded?

The building looks perfectly normal before, doesn't it? It looks functional, well built, on a solid foundation....suitable.  BUT what happens on the inside? Dynamite is placed all over the building in strategic spots, and with the push of a button, it's leveled.  No more functional building.  Ir-repairable.  

As soon as my friend shared this with me, I could instantly relate!!  For 16 years, sticks of dynamite were being place in strategic parts of my marriage.  Not on purpose.  But they were there.  Waiting to be lit.  On the outside of our marriage, everything looked fabulous, as I've stated before.  I made sure of that! I am to blame.  I knew that there was dynamite on the inside, but the outside looked spectacular.  Perfect house. Perfect kids.  Perfect wife.  Perfect life.  

Except for those sticks of dynamite.  

Then, one day, with a push of the button, I lit those dynamite sticks and our outward perfect life crumbled.  Our marriage imploded.  Because of those dynamite sticks that were never removed.  Our marriage leveled.  

Now.  Let's think about this.  Could I have removed those sticks of dynamite?  Certainly.  I've said before, that if I would have nipped his behavior in the bud, early on, perhaps we would be married still.  But I feel that in my situation, it was just too late.  The implosion happened and it was over.  And now, almost 2 years later, the dust has settled, the big move and life change has happened, and I am rebuilding a NEW building, dynamite free.  It's going to be spectacular.  With the shiniest outside, and equally beautiful, FUNCTIONAL, inside.  It's hard work.  Exhausting.  But it's happening.  

Now we are going to talk about you, my Super Heroes.  AS I've stated before, I'm not a supporter of divorce.  I'm a supporter of YOU. And your happiness.  

Are there sticks of dynamite in your marriage? Strategically placed, waiting for that push of a button?  You might want to think about removing those.  Delicately.  Being sensitive as to why they were placed there.  Asking for help and support from your Dynamite Placer, you and your significant other.    With care, caution, effort and support, those sticks of dynamite can be removed and the building of your marriage can remain standing.  And as it looks perfect on the outside, maybe it's time to do a little housecleaning, making it equally as beautiful on the inside.  

What if you can't take it? The dynamite is stuck and your supporter doesn't want to assist you in clearing them out? What if you pushed that button and the implosion has begun? Don't fret, my friends.  This is when you rely on the SuperHero strength that you've been given.  Everything is going to crumble.  It will seem as if the world has ended.  It will look like a battle ground.  Dust and debris will be scattered.  This is the time that you need to be on your knees, praying, that God will get you through.  Because He knows that you're worth it.  RELY on Him to get you through.  He will.  I promise.  I was just there.  

And before you know it, the dust will settle, and you can begin rebuilding your new life.  Make it more grand.  Make it more sparkly.  Make it more happy.  Oh yeah......worry about the outside later.  I was talking about the inside. Wink.  

Because once the inside is more grand, more sparkly and more happy, you'll notice that you didn't have to work as hard on the outside.  It will naturally shine.

You're amazing, my friends.  You can do this.  Life is hard, but when you're a SuperHero? 

You're unstoppable.  

I love you.

Strengthly yours, 

aMOMynous

Happiness and Love: Don't Leave Home Without Them!

Dear Superheroes,

Hello Summer!! What we look forward to during those long winter months!!  Now we are enjoying the hot weather, sun-screened and sun-kissed skin, making memories with our families and loved ones...and now we're heading back to school.  There.  I said it.  Stores are already selling the list items so I knew I could mention  it.  I know, people, I'm crying with you.  The part of the year that we look so forward to, just flies by, doesn't it?  Time does fly when you're having fun! Hang on to those memories.  Laugh with your kiddos, your spouse, your friends all around you.  Because before you know it, it will be back to carpools, backpacks, sign up sheets, lunches...schedules!!! I just threw up in my mouth. ;)

I love traveling.  I always have.  I love road trips, flying on airplanes, hotel staying and adventures.  There is nothing more fun than packing up a suitcase and a car and heading to adventure.  Can you relate? Maybe some of you can.

Back to my story......

I remember one trip that we took as a family that was magical.  My husband at the time, had a couple of work meetings in a town about 4 hours away.  He needed to stay in a hotel, so we thought we would make a vacation out of it and take the whole family.  We packed up the car and headed out.  Everything was perfect! The hotel room was fancy schmancy because the company was paying for it, of course! My kids loved that they could look out over the water.  And wouldn't you know it, one of my friends was unable to attend a traveling Broadway show in that city and sold her tickets to us so we could go have a night on the town, and the kids could relax and play in the hotel room.

*Disclaimer: My oldest was old enough at this point to watch the younger ones. :) *

I remember loving this trip because it was spontaneous and I was able to see a show I had been dying to see.  Even though I had been an empty shell of sadness, this was a bright spot.  My kids still remember that hotel to this day.

Then I remember another trip.......

We had a couple of couple friends that we enjoyed doing things together.  My husband wasn't much of a social bird, so he didn't really want to get together that often, so sometimes I would go solo, or bring my kids, or sometimes I could convince him to come with me.

Well, we all decided that it would be fun to go to Mexico together.  I immediately figured that my husband wouldn't want to go, but when he expressed commitment to going, I couldn't contain my excitement!!!  You see, he preferred to stay at home, he was a homebody and it was usually me that was adventurous to go and see places!! So I don't blame him and his wishes and I don't blame mine! Just two people desiring to do two different things.

But this trip we were on the same page.  How exciting!!! I worked very hard in getting passports, packing and getting ready for an adventure of a lifetime!! Could it really be real that he wanted to go? Well, a few days before we were to depart to tropical paradise, I got the worst news ever.  He was in a bit of a depressed mood, he hadn't lost the weight he had hoped to, and he became very self-conscious.  So self-conscious and depressed that he decided to bail on the trip we had been planning for months.  Bailing!!!! I started Wailing!!! He told me to take my best girlfriend, that I would want to be with her anyway, that he would be no fun.  I did my best to convince him to get past all of his insecurities.  To no avail.  I decided that I needed to be a supportive wife and stay home with him.  I vividly remember later that day that I went to my best friend's house, stood on her doorstep and cried, letting her know that we weren't going.  We didn't get a reimbursement, as we had already paid for the trip.

I remember that I felt so sad.  So  completely devastated.  Something that I had been talking about, planning and preparing for fell through because of the fear of his weight on the beach.  Our friends ended up having a great time and making so many memories.  But boy, I can remember the way it made me feel.  Pretty darn lousy.

So I have a point to these two stories.

It wasn't ALWAYS pain and anger and sadness that went on in our marriage.  We had good times.  We would laugh and make memories, etc.  But when the pain and anger and sadness following would happen, it would be as if no time had passed since the instance before.

That's why emotional and verbal abuse are so difficult to detect.  Because it's NOT always meanness, anger, and fighting.  It's the whole cycle thing that we've talked about before.   You could go for days, weeks, months without any type of argument.  But when that argument happens, look out.  It won't be pretty.

So here is what I want you to do, my sweetest SuperHeroes:

I want to you notice a pattern.  Watch closely and observe.  Look for triggers that might start up an explosion.  Just observe and take notes.  You might not even notice a pattern, but you might notice a particular subject that gets him/her heated.  Or day of the week.  Whatever it may be, take notice.

Then use that to your advantage.  When you find out the "trigger" get ready.  Be prepared to shut the verbal/emotional operation down.  Confront it.  Point out that trigger.  Suggest your loved one to watch for him/herself, if  they are willing.  Don't be afraid.  Have that courage.

Because you don't have to live each day, wondering if it will happen today.

I want you to live each day to YOUR fullest.  YOUR happiest.  Because YOU are worth it!

So worth it.

Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

Any reason to put JT on a blog title and I'm going to use it! But there's a good reason, my friends:)

My strong, SUPEHERO friends,

I'm here.  I promise.  I haven't deserted you, although it's been a few weeks.  But you have been on my mind most of the time.  As you know, I have kids....and we are having to do so many "end of the year things" aren't we? I can't keep track of the field trip slips,  who brings what to the end of year party, and the projects and reports that are due!! And I just got finished steaming by daughter's dance costume in the bathroom with a hot shower running.  At 12:30 a.m.  But I'm a momma.  That's just how we do.  ;)

And now you.  All of you.  The story must go on.  I need to share.  We are in this together.  And guess what?  I am getting messages, comments, emails.  I have cried as you, my readers have related to my experience, leaving you raw, vulnerable but NOT alone.  May I share a snippet from one friend:

Dear Amomynous - wow....that pretty much sums it up. My best friend sent me the link to your blog, and I stayed up til 1am to read all of your posts. I wanted to reach out to you and say thank you. My own story is very very similar to yours. I have been working up the courage and strength to leave my husband (who I have been with for 19 years, since I was 17 yrs old) for the last several years. All of the puzzle pieces finally seem to be coming together and I now truly feel I can leave with peace in my heart knowing I tried EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. Your blog is so powerful...sharing your story is so brave. I am just one person you have touched. It means so much to me. I would love to connect with you via email or even by phone sometime. I just wanted to say from the bottome of my heart ~ thank you!!! ~(name is withheld)

Wow.

Wow.

Wow, friends.

You are NOT alone. I am NOT alone. My strong, brave friend recognizes that she is NOT alone. And although, I will repeat myself, I do not advocate divorce (I advocate doing the BEST you can, with what you have and if what you have is unfixable, then take the necessary steps to becoming the happiest YOU can be, with the most peace in your heart).

To my friend that wrote me that comment: THANK YOU. Thank you for touching me. Giving me the strength that I needed. And I hope your peace continues to grow in your heart. You are amazing. And you are so worth it. You are sooooo worth it.

We continue.....

I'm an empty shell, remember? Having a hard time on Mother's Day, right? Right. Deep Breath. Spillage of my guts:

So here I was, mother of 4 young ones...sucking me dry every day (literally, I was breastfeeding.....well, and sucking my day dry--ha!). I was the president of the teenage girls in my ward, my husband was in a high calling in the church, I was volunteering in the community, schools, etc. Yep, I probably was overdoing it, and that could have put a strain on my marriage...I wasn't spending enough time with my husband. So later on, we decided to attend a place of worship early one Saturday morning. It was a morning date and we made a goal to do this every other Saturday. I was on board. I wanted the blessings. Heck, friends....I needed the gates of heaven to open up and perform some sort of miracle!! Send in the forces! That's what I needed! My soul was shrinking and shriveling.....just like my after-breastfeeding chest. Yep, I just went there.

So here we were, one Saturday morning. We had a little over an hour to drive. And I was in trouble. Again, I can't remember for what-I really believe that it was over money. Possibly that I wasn't handling the finances correctly and I needed to do a better job-I heard that a lot. But that's the last thing I wanted to hear on a Saturday morning. Was how horrible of a person I was, that I couldn't even keep us out of the red. Ugh. I felt horrible. Then, he said, hands down the most hurtful thing that cut through my soul, pierced my heart and I am honestly striving to forgive him to this day. He made a very derogatory comment about our upcoming worship service, asking me not to participate because it would be embarrassing for him if he was forced to participate in it. I started crying. Really hard. I got those chest pains that I would get, when I was told what a horrible person I was. The tears started spilling over. I looked down, where I was studying my scriptures.....all I can remember is the drops splashing down on them. I cried in silence, hoping he wouldn't see. But he looked over and got extremely upset that I was crying over THAT? And that I cry over everything. And that I'm too sensitive. And that he can't have a regular conversation with me without me crying.

Friends. My tears stopped that day. After that episode, I knew that I needed to hold in the tears and never let them fall over my cheeks again. After all, I was too sensitive. I needed to toughen up. Grow a pair. It was my fault that I would get so upset. I had a really difficult time crying after that. It took a lot, or otherwise I would go hide and cry a river. Or do that pillow crying that I was so good at. Cotton sure can absorb tears well. But I just quickly came to believe that once again, it was all my fault.  The finances, the tears, the sensitivity.  And then we were headed to the worship service, where I plastered on that smile and acted as if nothing were ever wrong, when I was dying with those chest pains inside.  I remember that took a long time to recover from that one.  Even to this day.  I have my tear marked scripture verses that have my wet tear stains. 

Okay, I'm not sure if you're crying right now.  If you are, IT IS OKAY.  Cry friends! Cry!  Let it out!  It's healthy, it's natural, and you are NOT too sensitive. You need to release those little cells of sadness so that you can replace them with happiness.  And if you're a scientist, you probably just dry heaved because I really do know that there aren't sad cells and happy cells.  I know, I know.  It just sounds clever:).

And now, friends, here's what you do.  Stand up to your loved one and tell him/her to "Cry me a River" Justin Timberlake style.  (He's my secret boyfriend.  And he doesn't even know it-ha!)  Tell them that you are allowed to cry any time, day or night, that it's healthy and good, it is needed and that is why God gave us tear ducts.  Tell them that you ARE sensitive and indeed, that is a gift.  A precious gift.   And you are the lucky person that has that gift and it should be cherished and taken care of.  Tell it, sing it, preach it and LOVE it.  You can do it.  


Oh sweet friends, you CAN do it.  I have the utmost faith in you.  God knows you.  He has the ut-utmost faith in you.  

One of my favorite quotes, of which my momma reminds me frequently:

"If you could see yourself the way God sees you, you would walk taller, reach higher and never be the same again."  I love it.  

Starting tonight, here's my challenge:  Don't be the same again.  Invite YOU back into your life.  Allow God to show you yourself the way He sees you.  And then cry.  A river.  Float down that river on an inner tube.  

Then square those shoulders back.  

Walk taller.  

Reach higher.  

And don't let anyone tell you how to be.  YOU be YOU.

Strong, courageous, superhero-ey, beautiful, wonderful and AMAZING.  Because what you are going through defines you with all of those adjectives.  You.  Are.  Amazing.!!!

Believe it.  

Strengthly Yours,

aMOMynous

SuperHero YOU!! To the Rescue! Happy Mother's Day:)

My dear SuperMOM friends,

Okay, I'm dedicating this one to you strong, superhero MOMS out there.  Men, you are cordially invited to nod your head and agree with all that is said in this blog!  Because you're still important, too.  It's just that we need to focus on you mommas, in light of today's holiday!!

I hope and pray you have had a wonderful day.  That you have realized that you are so important!  Whether you have small children, no children, grown children, not your own children....you get my drift.  YOU are so unique in your own different way that it is so obvious to me how NEEDED and IMPORTANT you are in this life.  There's a day to celebrate that fact!! I wish I would have know my future self now a few years ago...........

I remember dreading Mother's Day.  May I remind you that I felt like a failure in every aspect of a human being, let along being a mom.  I loved my kids so much I could hardly stand it.  But the comparison game would always creep in.  And I would listen to the negativity that was told to me and believed every syllable of it.  My friend A had it all together and cooked gourmet meals every night in a spotless house.  My friend B rolled around with her kids while they laughed and giggled and adored her.  My friend C would hug and kiss her husband and provide the house with a spirit of love every day.  And then there was Lame Mommy Me.  After seeing and witnessing my perfect friends, believing the not so nice things that were told to me and scanning my messy house, I dreaded the day to celebrate me, the Failure.  Mother's Day could never get over fast enough....except for that nap.  I always got the nap and those were two glorious hours to myself.  But then I would go to church and hear how perfect all the mommies were and I would feel even worse.  My husband at the time would try really hard to provide a good day.  But I already felt horrible about who I was, I surely didn't want a day centered around that!!

I remember one year, when he was in a high position calling in our church, he had gotten upset with me that morning on Mother's Day, before church.  Of course, I can't remember what it was (and I have since learned that this is a side effect, if you will, of those that have been abused.  They just can't remember the specific situation, but they remember how they felt).  He then left to go to church and his meetings.  I had a little bit of a cry, but believed it all.  So I took my kids to church and sat in the pew.  He then stood up and talked about how wonderful I was, that I'm a saint to put up with him,  that he couldn't have asked for a better person than his wife and so on and so forth.  Really? Wait, about 2 hours ago, I was in trouble for things that I was doing wrong.  Now I'm an angel sent to him?  Wait.  I couldn't understand, but the Praise from the Pulpit was good.  And I liked it.  I learned to look forward to the Pulpit Praising days....because it helped me to forget how he had made me feel at home.  Where no one was watching or listening.  This is when I realized that there was a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.  He would act good and kind and loving one moment, then the next, turn into a completely different person. It was hard to follow and hard to keep track of and I never knew which facet of a husband I was going to get.  So I basically lived in a state of confusion.  Believing everything Angry Husband would tell me and then believing everything Kind Husband would tell me.  I was a mixed bag of tricks, let me tell ya.  Never knowing who or what to believe.

What a horrible way to live!! Mother's Day should have been all about celebrating the fact that I birthed these children and happened to adore them at the same time.  That I have a mother that birthed me and I adore her.  Instead, I didn't even know how to feel.  Lame Numb Me.

So how did I snap out of it?  Well, friends.  I'm learning.  But one thing that I learned very quickly was to LOVE MYSELF.  Holiday or not.  Love who I am, wekanesses and mistakes included.  Love the fact that I am a breathing soul who has one title to these children that I love: Mom.  No one else in the world is their mom but me.  And that goes for you too.  You are so valuable in the eyes of your children, God and me.  You have no idea.  You are the SuperHero to your children.  But SuperHeroes need to believe in themselves first before they can go saving those around them.

So here is my challenge, post Celebration of You Day.  Look deep within yourself.  Reflect.  Get to know Fabulous You.  Fall in love with yourself.  Not romantically, obviously.  But let yourself LOVE the person that is the reflection in the mirror.  You can do it.  Look past the faults you think you have. Look for that spark.  It's there.  Ignite it.  Let it grow.  Let it shine.  Let US meet Superhero You.

Because that's exactly what you are.  And your world is waiting to see it......

You are amazing.

Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

How the SHELL are you?

Hello, my strong friends! Happy Wednesday! I figure that a lot of you amazing people will read this in the morning, even though it's Tuesday night for me.

How are you?  How is your strength? How is your worth? How is your HAPPINESS? I'm checking in on you in that motherly-nagging-annoying-won't-leave-you-alone way that I told you about earlier.    I hope that it is on the uphill.  I hope and PRAY that you are recognizing your worth, your potential, your STRENGTH.  You ARE Superheroes, aren't you?  You take Avengers to a whole new level.  Because you have had to endure years that Ironman wouldn't have the strength for;  have had to endure unfathomable trials that Captain America would most like cringe at,  and have had to face your own self with power unlike any amount Thor would ever have.  Thor.  Should we talk about him and his handsomeness for a while? haha....kidding.  This about YOU.  Thor can wait.  But, oh my, he's so cute.  ;)

So before I continue on with my story, I have been thinking.  A lot.  Can I throw out some numbers? Here it goes: My Facebook page has had about 300 views on this Blog.  My blogger page has had nearly 1,500.  And then my gmail group circle thingy has had over 3,000.  I have done zero advertising.  In fact, because my budget is so tight, I can't do any advertising.  This is ALL word of mouth, invites and those people that happen to stumble on this blog.  Simply amazing.  Can you see the need out there?  There are so many silently struggling friends that it makes me want to hug all 4,800ish people and tell them that they are going to be okay.  And all of you should rest easy with some peace knowing that you are not alone.  Holy cow.  Neither am I.  

So I continue my story:

Here I was.  A mother of 4!!! I felt extremely outnumbered, but as I said in my last story post, that fourth child of mine brought such a sunshine and happiness and I just couldn't get enough of that baby.  But my problems, although I couldn't pinpoint them, were still there.  I was still crying a lot.  Wetting that pillow.  I was starting to become an empty shell........

Let's talk about the Empty Shell Syndrome (yah, I just totally made that up....maybe I should copyright it and make millions? haha)  You know how you find a beautiful shell on the beach?  It's almost like a miniature conch shell.  You examine it.  The outside is flawless; white and sparkling.  Perhaps with a little color.  You hold it in your hands....you find the opening of the shell and put your ear to it, thinking that you will hear the ocean.  And sometimes you do, don't you? But we all know that there is absolutely nothing in that shell.  It's empty.  Perhaps there was life that lived inside that shell at one time, but it's gone.  Empty.  The only thing that's beautiful is the outside of the shell, for everyone to admire and look at.

World, meet me.  The Empty Shell Girl.

Yes, on the "outside" it sure looked like I had my act together.  Exercising, serving, leading, smiling, loving, happy and cheerful.  Hold that outer shell to your ear and listen.  On the inside, there was nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I was quickly becoming empty on the inside.  Taking care of 4 kids......That's a lot!!  But that's not why I became empty.  The diapers, tantrums and puke were all part of the frustrating part of motherhood, but you would probably agree with me that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  It wasn't that.  It was my marriage that was becoming more and more strained.  The husband was in a high calling in our Church and I was the president of the young girls. Oh my goodness.  That made my outside so sparkly and happy.  My kids, doing funny things, made me glow on the outside.  So why was I feeling so empty?  It was those words that were spoken to me that sucked everything out of me.

I remember a family picture that we took at the in laws house during a family gathering.  He had gotten mad at me for a certain reason that of course I can't remember.  I think this time it was finances because I found myself needing a navy blue shirt to match the rest of my family.  I felt so guilty about spending any type of money because I was "horrible" at finances that I found a shirt at Wal-mart on the clearance rack for $3.  I was so proud that I had spent little or no money.  But I remember thinking in the check out line that I wasn't even worth the $3.  I was a loser.  A poor financier.  A failure.

Empty.

I have looked back at that picture, even recently.  We look like the perfect "shell" of a family.  Sparkly, matchy, smiley, happy.  We are perfect, right?  I have studied my face.  I remember feeling so worthless, helpless and hopeless that day.  My eyes say it all.  They were sadly calling out for help, "I'm empty everyone! Help me!"

I think that one of the very huge mistakes that I made was making sure everyone knew about my sparkly, happy outer layer.  I didn't want ANYONE to hold up my shell to their ears to find out there was nothing inside.

Disclaimer:  Some might argue that my head is a lot like a shell with no brain inside.  Sometimes I might have to agree with that.  Let's just get that out there.  We are not focusing on my IQ here, rather my heart, my soul, my spirit.  LOL!!  THAT empty shell....wink.

So when I finally decided that I wanted to separate and then later divorce, so many people were shocked and confused because I looked to happy and sparkly and perfect.  I did a really good job at distracting those around me with my outward self that I didn't allow anyone to see the emptiness that was slowly engulfing me.

So how is your shell, friends?  Can you relate to how I was feeling?  I think that we all do that, to an extent.  We never want anyone to truly know what is going on in our lives.  But instead of focusing out the sparkly outside, we need to focus on what is living and what ISN'T on the inside. What is inside of you, my beautiful sparkly friends?

Here is my challenge that I will issue to you this week:

Reach out.  To someone close.  Perhaps even your husband.  Let that person know that you're struggling on the inside.  That you might even be a little empty.  That you need some sort of help inviting breath and life back into your shell.  Seek out help and little by little, your emptiness will be no more as you earnestly strive to fill your beautiful shell.

Because if I remember correctly, all it takes is a little piece of sand to produce one of the most precious gems on earth inside of a shell in the ocean.  Get that little piece of sand in there, let faith and God work their mighty miracles and before you know it, your beautiful inside will far outweigh that sparkly outer shell.

Always remember that you are precious.  And you are a gem.  And you, my friends, are so worth it.

Sparkly and Strengthly yours,

aMOMynous

Super Heroes Need Refills Too!

Oh my strong friends,

How have you been? As I posted on my FB account, I had to "disappear" for a couple of months, to protect my kiddos and loved ones.  But I'm going to be honest, because that's how I do.  I've missed you.  I've missed the connection.  I've missed sharing my thoughts with you, hopefully settling your minds and hearts to a peaceful state, knowing that you're not alone.  You've helped me, too.  Somehow sharing my thoughts has been so therapeutic, knowing that I'm not alone either.  Here we are, united again, and I'm not going anywhere this time.:)  So before getting back into my story, I thought that I would refill you in on my thoughts and feelings about this whole muddy of a mess of a situation that we are in.  Because you can't just quench your thirst one single delicious drink at a restaurant....you need refills! Reminders of how good it tastes, feels and how satisfying it is!  I need a pop.  Soda.  Coke.  However you term it, I'm thirsty.

Ahhhhh, refreshing.  With my pop/soda/coke at my side......here we go.

Refill #1: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I want to reiterate that and write it in the sky.  You might feel physically alone, with everyone out of the house, in the process of divorce.  Or you might feel emotionally alone,  with husband and kids running circles around you.  I'm a believer of God and I want you to remember that you are never alone without Him.  He will always be there.  For you.  For me.  For the abuser.  He's there.  The minute you feel all by yourself, drop to your knees and ask for help.  You'll be surprised because I know you'll get that help.  If it takes something as simple as going on an errand, with the intent to make conversation with someone, then that means you haven't been alone.  And you probably made that person's day, usually most customers don't like to talk and are in a rush!  Whatever it is, if you are feeling that way, I will introduce a math concept to our blog:

Feeling alone + praying your way through it = tender mercies will flow, just look.

(We just did  a word problem! We've got this! haha)

Refill #2:  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.  You're a superhero, remember? Tap into that strength to let yourself build up, get stronger and prepare to handle whatever might lie ahead.  

It's confession time, friends.  About a month ago, I took that cape off.  I went through a horrific and heartbreaking situation, only because it involved one of my children and what they were being told by their certain parent figure and there was NOTHING I could do about it.  That hopeless feeling where my arms went limp and every nerve cringed because I couldn't help one of my babies.  I was weak, exhausted and cried a lot because my little one didn't need to have such a heavy adult issue burdening their precious mind.  I went to the gym to work off the frustration and had a complete panic attack.  I felt like I was going to fall off of the elliptical.  I couldn't breathe, I thought the world was going to come crashing down and worst of all, I thought I would break a bone falling off of the machine and then an ambulance would have to come and get me.  That would be so embarrassing.....So I prayed!! Something like this, "God, I'm about to make a complete fool out of myself, please make the panic attack stop and send blood to my head NOW!"  Then, my tender mercy momma, who must have received inspiration to text me, sent me something like this: "You are stronger than you think you are, my daughter. You can do this." Can you believe that? Coincidental timing? I think not.  The panic attack subsided.  No ambulance and flailing body....phew!  But I knew that I was letting the kryptonite take over and make me weak, I needed to get that cape back on prove my strength.  So I did, with the help of my answered prayer, through my amazing mom.  And now I might be a little bit stronger now, too.  Just sayin....;)

Potty break time....these refills are going right through us! ha!

Refill #3:  YOU CAN DO THIS!! It's all about moving forward.  And I feel that I should remind you that once again, I am not an advocate of divorce.  If you absolutely adore your hubs, just hate the temper, there's hope.  But if you've come to a dead end and you know there's no hope, then you'll do the right thing.  It's all about baby steps, moving forward.  I believe that if you're stagnant, you're not progressing.  Even if you're falling short (like me taking my cape off and facing a near death on the elliptical) you're still moving.  But I want you to move forward.  Little by little, bit by bit.  

Last refill #4:  YOU are so important and loved.  You matter.  You are needed by your loved ones around you.  God loves you.  Look at how you're growing, becoming stronger,  and surviving.  You.  Are.  Amazing.  This is the shortest paragraph, but it's the most important one. 

And now that our thirst is quenched, I feel that my story can continue.  Stay tuned.  

Until then.......Strengthly Yours,

aMOMynous