Hello, my strong friends! Happy Wednesday! I figure that a lot of you amazing people will read this in the morning, even though it's Tuesday night for me.
How are you? How is your strength? How is your worth? How is your HAPPINESS? I'm checking in on you in that motherly-nagging-annoying-won't-leave-you-alone way that I told you about earlier. I hope that it is on the uphill. I hope and PRAY that you are recognizing your worth, your potential, your STRENGTH. You ARE Superheroes, aren't you? You take Avengers to a whole new level. Because you have had to endure years that Ironman wouldn't have the strength for; have had to endure unfathomable trials that Captain America would most like cringe at, and have had to face your own self with power unlike any amount Thor would ever have. Thor. Should we talk about him and his handsomeness for a while? haha....kidding. This about YOU. Thor can wait. But, oh my, he's so cute. ;)
So before I continue on with my story, I have been thinking. A lot. Can I throw out some numbers? Here it goes: My Facebook page has had about 300 views on this Blog. My blogger page has had nearly 1,500. And then my gmail group circle thingy has had over 3,000. I have done zero advertising. In fact, because my budget is so tight, I can't do any advertising. This is ALL word of mouth, invites and those people that happen to stumble on this blog. Simply amazing. Can you see the need out there? There are so many silently struggling friends that it makes me want to hug all 4,800ish people and tell them that they are going to be okay. And all of you should rest easy with some peace knowing that you are not alone. Holy cow. Neither am I.
So I continue my story:
Here I was. A mother of 4!!! I felt extremely outnumbered, but as I said in my last story post, that fourth child of mine brought such a sunshine and happiness and I just couldn't get enough of that baby. But my problems, although I couldn't pinpoint them, were still there. I was still crying a lot. Wetting that pillow. I was starting to become an empty shell........
Let's talk about the Empty Shell Syndrome (yah, I just totally made that up....maybe I should copyright it and make millions? haha) You know how you find a beautiful shell on the beach? It's almost like a miniature conch shell. You examine it. The outside is flawless; white and sparkling. Perhaps with a little color. You hold it in your hands....you find the opening of the shell and put your ear to it, thinking that you will hear the ocean. And sometimes you do, don't you? But we all know that there is absolutely nothing in that shell. It's empty. Perhaps there was life that lived inside that shell at one time, but it's gone. Empty. The only thing that's beautiful is the outside of the shell, for everyone to admire and look at.
World, meet me. The Empty Shell Girl.
Yes, on the "outside" it sure looked like I had my act together. Exercising, serving, leading, smiling, loving, happy and cheerful. Hold that outer shell to your ear and listen. On the inside, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was quickly becoming empty on the inside. Taking care of 4 kids......That's a lot!! But that's not why I became empty. The diapers, tantrums and puke were all part of the frustrating part of motherhood, but you would probably agree with me that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It wasn't that. It was my marriage that was becoming more and more strained. The husband was in a high calling in our Church and I was the president of the young girls. Oh my goodness. That made my outside so sparkly and happy. My kids, doing funny things, made me glow on the outside. So why was I feeling so empty? It was those words that were spoken to me that sucked everything out of me.
I remember a family picture that we took at the in laws house during a family gathering. He had gotten mad at me for a certain reason that of course I can't remember. I think this time it was finances because I found myself needing a navy blue shirt to match the rest of my family. I felt so guilty about spending any type of money because I was "horrible" at finances that I found a shirt at Wal-mart on the clearance rack for $3. I was so proud that I had spent little or no money. But I remember thinking in the check out line that I wasn't even worth the $3. I was a loser. A poor financier. A failure.
Empty.
I have looked back at that picture, even recently. We look like the perfect "shell" of a family. Sparkly, matchy, smiley, happy. We are perfect, right? I have studied my face. I remember feeling so worthless, helpless and hopeless that day. My eyes say it all. They were sadly calling out for help, "I'm empty everyone! Help me!"
I think that one of the very huge mistakes that I made was making sure everyone knew about my sparkly, happy outer layer. I didn't want ANYONE to hold up my shell to their ears to find out there was nothing inside.
Disclaimer: Some might argue that my head is a lot like a shell with no brain inside. Sometimes I might have to agree with that. Let's just get that out there. We are not focusing on my IQ here, rather my heart, my soul, my spirit. LOL!! THAT empty shell....wink.
So when I finally decided that I wanted to separate and then later divorce, so many people were shocked and confused because I looked to happy and sparkly and perfect. I did a really good job at distracting those around me with my outward self that I didn't allow anyone to see the emptiness that was slowly engulfing me.
So how is your shell, friends? Can you relate to how I was feeling? I think that we all do that, to an extent. We never want anyone to truly know what is going on in our lives. But instead of focusing out the sparkly outside, we need to focus on what is living and what ISN'T on the inside. What is inside of you, my beautiful sparkly friends?
Here is my challenge that I will issue to you this week:
Reach out. To someone close. Perhaps even your husband. Let that person know that you're struggling on the inside. That you might even be a little empty. That you need some sort of help inviting breath and life back into your shell. Seek out help and little by little, your emptiness will be no more as you earnestly strive to fill your beautiful shell.
Because if I remember correctly, all it takes is a little piece of sand to produce one of the most precious gems on earth inside of a shell in the ocean. Get that little piece of sand in there, let faith and God work their mighty miracles and before you know it, your beautiful inside will far outweigh that sparkly outer shell.
Always remember that you are precious. And you are a gem. And you, my friends, are so worth it.
Sparkly and Strengthly yours,
aMOMynous
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