My strong, SUPEHERO friends,
I'm here. I promise. I haven't deserted you, although it's been a few weeks. But you have been on my mind most of the time. As you know, I have kids....and we are having to do so many "end of the year things" aren't we? I can't keep track of the field trip slips, who brings what to the end of year party, and the projects and reports that are due!! And I just got finished steaming by daughter's dance costume in the bathroom with a hot shower running. At 12:30 a.m. But I'm a momma. That's just how we do. ;)
And now you. All of you. The story must go on. I need to share. We are in this together. And guess what? I am getting messages, comments, emails. I have cried as you, my readers have related to my experience, leaving you raw, vulnerable but NOT alone. May I share a snippet from one friend:
Dear Amomynous - wow....that pretty much sums it up. My best friend sent me the link to your blog, and I stayed up til 1am to read all of your posts. I wanted to reach out to you and say thank you. My own story is very very similar to yours. I have been working up the courage and strength to leave my husband (who I have been with for 19 years, since I was 17 yrs old) for the last several years. All of the puzzle pieces finally seem to be coming together and I now truly feel I can leave with peace in my heart knowing I tried EVERYTHING in my power to make it work. Your blog is so powerful...sharing your story is so brave. I am just one person you have touched. It means so much to me. I would love to connect with you via email or even by phone sometime. I just wanted to say from the bottome of my heart ~ thank you!!! ~(name is withheld)
Wow.
Wow.
Wow, friends.
You are NOT alone. I am NOT alone. My strong, brave friend recognizes that she is NOT alone. And although, I will repeat myself, I do not advocate divorce (I advocate doing the BEST you can, with what you have and if what you have is unfixable, then take the necessary steps to becoming the happiest YOU can be, with the most peace in your heart).
To my friend that wrote me that comment: THANK YOU. Thank you for touching me. Giving me the strength that I needed. And I hope your peace continues to grow in your heart. You are amazing. And you are so worth it. You are sooooo worth it.
We continue.....
I'm an empty shell, remember? Having a hard time on Mother's Day, right? Right. Deep Breath. Spillage of my guts:
So here I was, mother of 4 young ones...sucking me dry every day (literally, I was breastfeeding.....well, and sucking my day dry--ha!). I was the president of the teenage girls in my ward, my husband was in a high calling in the church, I was volunteering in the community, schools, etc. Yep, I probably was overdoing it, and that could have put a strain on my marriage...I wasn't spending enough time with my husband. So later on, we decided to attend a place of worship early one Saturday morning. It was a morning date and we made a goal to do this every other Saturday. I was on board. I wanted the blessings. Heck, friends....I needed the gates of heaven to open up and perform some sort of miracle!! Send in the forces! That's what I needed! My soul was shrinking and shriveling.....just like my after-breastfeeding chest. Yep, I just went there.
So here we were, one Saturday morning. We had a little over an hour to drive. And I was in trouble. Again, I can't remember for what-I really believe that it was over money. Possibly that I wasn't handling the finances correctly and I needed to do a better job-I heard that a lot. But that's the last thing I wanted to hear on a Saturday morning. Was how horrible of a person I was, that I couldn't even keep us out of the red. Ugh. I felt horrible. Then, he said, hands down the most hurtful thing that cut through my soul, pierced my heart and I am honestly striving to forgive him to this day. He made a very derogatory comment about our upcoming worship service, asking me not to participate because it would be embarrassing for him if he was forced to participate in it. I started crying. Really hard. I got those chest pains that I would get, when I was told what a horrible person I was. The tears started spilling over. I looked down, where I was studying my scriptures.....all I can remember is the drops splashing down on them. I cried in silence, hoping he wouldn't see. But he looked over and got extremely upset that I was crying over THAT? And that I cry over everything. And that I'm too sensitive. And that he can't have a regular conversation with me without me crying.
Friends. My tears stopped that day. After that episode, I knew that I needed to hold in the tears and never let them fall over my cheeks again. After all, I was too sensitive. I needed to toughen up. Grow a pair. It was my fault that I would get so upset. I had a really difficult time crying after that. It took a lot, or otherwise I would go hide and cry a river. Or do that pillow crying that I was so good at. Cotton sure can absorb tears well. But I just quickly came to believe that once again, it was all my fault. The finances, the tears, the sensitivity. And then we were headed to the worship service, where I plastered on that smile and acted as if nothing were ever wrong, when I was dying with those chest pains inside. I remember that took a long time to recover from that one. Even to this day. I have my tear marked scripture verses that have my wet tear stains.
Okay, I'm not sure if you're crying right now. If you are, IT IS OKAY. Cry friends! Cry! Let it out! It's healthy, it's natural, and you are NOT too sensitive. You need to release those little cells of sadness so that you can replace them with happiness. And if you're a scientist, you probably just dry heaved because I really do know that there aren't sad cells and happy cells. I know, I know. It just sounds clever:).
And now, friends, here's what you do. Stand up to your loved one and tell him/her to "Cry me a River" Justin Timberlake style. (He's my secret boyfriend. And he doesn't even know it-ha!) Tell them that you are allowed to cry any time, day or night, that it's healthy and good, it is needed and that is why God gave us tear ducts. Tell them that you ARE sensitive and indeed, that is a gift. A precious gift. And you are the lucky person that has that gift and it should be cherished and taken care of. Tell it, sing it, preach it and LOVE it. You can do it.
Oh sweet friends, you CAN do it. I have the utmost faith in you. God knows you. He has the ut-utmost faith in you.
One of my favorite quotes, of which my momma reminds me frequently:
"If you could see yourself the way God sees you, you would walk taller, reach higher and never be the same again." I love it.
Starting tonight, here's my challenge: Don't be the same again. Invite YOU back into your life. Allow God to show you yourself the way He sees you. And then cry. A river. Float down that river on an inner tube.
Then square those shoulders back.
Walk taller.
Reach higher.
And don't let anyone tell you how to be. YOU be YOU.
Strong, courageous, superhero-ey, beautiful, wonderful and AMAZING. Because what you are going through defines you with all of those adjectives. You. Are. Amazing.!!!
Believe it.
Strengthly Yours,
aMOMynous
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