Dear Super Hero friends,
Well, it's Mid-Week...you all are probably getting back into the groove of the After Holidays Reality Check. It's hard isn't it? Some moms and dads are glad to get their kids back into school, where the teachers are somewhat refreshed, ready to finish the second half of making our kids smarter. Some moms and dads are probably a little sad, knowing their kids go back to school and won't be home all day. Lots of memories have been made, either way. I bet that you feel that your cup is a little more full. That's good! Embrace that! Sometimes a few drops added to the cup can provide a mountain of strength! Personally, for me, I'm just taking one day at a time. I'm recovering from Monday morning's alarm clock. That was a doozy. ;)
But I'm so excited to continue on with OUR journey:
So we had moved into my dream home. Three kids. Healthy daughter, finally. But sad/depressed/angry husband. This is a point in my life where I started living two lives, basically. Early Thirties Hopeful Girl that was trying to keep the family together. And then there was Put On The Smile When You Walk Out The Door Girl. I became involved in my church, in the community at schools, etc. I volunteered to do everything. I was THAT mom. ;) I didn't want anyone to know of my heartache. My husband, who now had a very flexible job, allowed him to work at home most of the time. This permitted him many more opportunities for arguments and finger pointing. I believe even some control issues were thrown in there as well. It was hard living, essentially, two lives. Because I would exhaust myself during the day, pretending my life was perfect and everything was perfect around me. Then at night I would have to deal with my deep down feelings. He started getting more mad at me. We stopped sleeping in the same bed. He would fall asleep on the couch, watching TV and usually stay there all night. I remember that for either my Birthday or Christmas, the only present I wanted was for him to sleep in bed with me. That's what couples do, right?
His anger trickled to my oldest boy. I remember one time he was so mad at my son that he took him outside, took his belt off and bent him over so he could whip him. Then he raged inside, while I rescued my baby boy. I held him and told him it would be okay. "Dad is just mad. It will be okay." And then I would get in trouble for consoling him. That was "enabling" him so he wouldn't learn his lesson to behave.
That's when I kind of just started going through the motions, as to not rock the boat. I'm a peacemaker. I like everyone to be happy. I like calm and peace and smiles. One night I was cooking dinner and my husband came over, motioning that he wanted sex. The kids were all running around, I was cooking dinner, exhausted from doing my smiley, happy act, to decompressing, walking on egg shells, and not sure when he would explode. Well, he got mad alright. I asked him how on earth he expected me to drop what I was doing so he could get some instant gratification? I told him later that night, when the kids were in bed, we could have sex. No way, he wouldn't have that. He got very mad, wouldn't talk to me and didn't ask for sex for a couple of days. That's when I learned to set the mixing spoon down, turn off the stove, lock the doors so the kids wouldn't escape, and give him sex at a moments' notice. And dang, that spaghetti just didn't turn out right.
This is when I started praying......differently. I've always been good at saying my own personal nightly prayers. But I didn't pray the same way. I started asking for forgiveness. For being a failure. Because that's what I felt I was. So many years of anger, images, accusations....I was failing as a wife and a mother. I just knew it. That's the way that he made me feel. I wasn't as pretty as those images my husband had been looking at. I couldn't control a checkbook. Or pay the bills. Or give him sex before the spaghetti. So I would ask God for forgiveness for my failing. That I would try harder the next day. That I was so sorry to disappoint Him and my husband and my kids. Isn't that a sucky way to pray? Early Thirties Hopeful Girl was losing hope. In herself.
I prayed this way for about 8 years. I know. Here is where you are thinking, "How heartbreaking! How sad!" Early Twenties Ugly Girl, Early Thirties Hopeful Girl and I all agree with you, in a very NOT split personality way.
But my prayers are different now. And I want you to pray-even if you have your whole life, or for your first time tonight. When you kneel down to pray, THANK GOD that you lived today. That you were given this day to the be the best that you can be. That you GET the opportunity to try to be even better tomorrow. If that's too much? No worries! Baby steps....... Just pray to God to give you the STRENGTH to get through the next day.
That MC Hammer knows a thing or two. ;)
Strengthly Yours,
aMOMynous
PS: Those aren't my hands. I mean, they're perfectly manicured!! I wonder if that hand model is a mom.......if she is, I give up right now :)
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