Dear readers-whom-I-now-call-friends,
I am nervous. I am about to expose myself to the world. aMOMynously, of course. I can't reveal my true identity because of the details of my life and protection of my loved ones. Think of Super Heroes that we are familiar with. No one knows their true identity, as a protection to themselves and those around them. But Super Heroes have one purpose. To save people. Save people from harm. Save people from danger. SAVE PEOPLE'S LIVES. I want to save you from harm. I want to save you from danger. I want to help save your life. Here is my story:
I am a mom in her 30s-ish. I have the most beautiful children anyone could ask for. I am very religious and some of my readers might recognize my church lingo i.e.: FHE, Family Prayer and Family Scripture Study. I had that "perfect image" to those around me, for so many years. Beautiful house, beautiful kids, involvement in schools/PTA, high calling in church, delivering dinners to new mommas and the homeless, smile plastered on-always. NO ONE knew of my suffering. Even I didn't realize the extent of my suffering. I divorced my husband a year ago and haven't looked back. Why, you ask?
Because I am a victim of abuse. Not the physical abuse (although those that have been physically abused will and SHOULD be able to relate). This is emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse that I'm talking about. And guess what, friends? We don't really talk about this type of abuse. We just think that we are sensitive creatures and we should buck up and take it, right? Because they're just words. They don't leave a bruise, cut or scar. But I have news for you, loved ones. Sometimes I wished he would have hit me. That way I could have physical evidence of how bad I was hurting on the inside. As I would lie in bed at night, crying, because I wasn't "sexual like my friend Sarah (*names have been changed) or devoted like my friend Kari", because I couldn't even manage to balance a correct checkbook, I was spending too much time working out, everything in the world that I had done wrong that day......I prayed to just be beaten instead. That physical pain would have helped to distract me from the internal pain I felt. Instead, I was dealing with tears wetting my pillow, not able to pinpoint that anything was wrong. After all, it was ME that was causing all of these problems. If I would be more sexual, devoted, and flabby I wouldn't be hearing anything about it, right?
Sidenote: I HATE the word "victim". It makes me sound weak, helpless, hopeless. Let's change that word today, friends. I AM A "SURVIVOR" OF ABUSE. Are you a survivor? Yes, you are!! You will be. Are YOU a SuperHero? Absolutely, friends. In God's eyes and mine, you have no idea the amount of Super Hero-ness you have in you. And now I, in my Survivor Super Hero Strength, vow to help you, my friends, call yourselves Super Hero SURVIVORS.
Sidenote to the Sidenote: You know you're singing Destiny Child's "Survivor" right now in your head....sing it. Sing it loud, friends!!
My Survival story begins:
It happened on a beautiful, crisp Spring day. We were in our early twenties. We had only been married for a couple of months....we were trying to figure things out, like most newlyweds. Intertwining lives, figuring out our future, figuring out sex, figuring out what to cook for dinner. We had been with his family the night before at a gathering. They were talking very rudely about one of their family members, behind her back. I was not raised this way. It bothered me. To the point that I felt that I needed to address it the next morning. And so commenced our first fight. Normal, right? Absolutely. Couples fight, disagree, argue. But it quickly turned "not normal." He exploded. Raged. Slammed the door and stormed away. Well, at the time, I was Early Twenties Strong Girl. This was unacceptable behavior coming from my new husband. Oh yah, he would hear about it later that night. Later that night. Later that night. The beginning of the end.
When he got home from work, I firmly told him that no man should treat his wife like that. Especially his NEW wife, whom he had just vowed he would take care of for eternity! Early Twenties Strong Girl was about to learn a lesson. To NEVER stand up for mistreatment like that. I don't remember what was said. I only remember his face. Twisted, mean, ugly. In a rage, right next to the bathroom. Once again, storming off, leaving me alone. Alone for the next three days. Oh, he was present. But the silence was ear shattering. I distinctly remember laying in bed that night, my tears wetting my pillow for the first time, weeping silently as to not wake him up, thinking, "God, what have I done?" My internal struggle of heart break...who was this man I married a short time ago? I promised I would be his for eternity a couple of months ago. Is this how my life was going to be? I talked myself through it, thinking, "this is normal, couples fight, I shouldn't stand up to my husband and peace will ensue." A part of me was sucked away that night. I was scared. I didn't want to see that twisted, mean, ugly face ever again.
A few days later, he came to me and apologized, telling me the things I wanted to hear. Telling me he would try harder and not mistreat me like that again. I believed him. I am/was forever the optimist. We made up and went on our way. But a part of me had died that tear-stained pillowed night.
And so here I am, 17 years later, ready to share my story with you, my new friends. As we begin this journey together, I have a few disclaimers:
1) I am NOT promoting divorce. Even though I am divorced now, I believe that early on, or even midway, we could have saved our marriage. If Early Twenties Strong Girl would have remained stubborn and not backed down, we could have gotten the counseling/help we needed. I succumbed to submission, my HUGE mistake. Divorce is hard. It became my only option. The damage had been done and it was too late. I have children that are suffering the after effects of divorce. But they are amazing. They are Super Heroes in their own sense. What I am telling YOU is that you can be the Super Hero of your life, your marriage. Save it. Before it's too late. If it's too late, I am here to hold your hand, to let you know you're not alone. You have to do what's best for you. I am here for you.
2) I am NOT a man hater. In fact, men are SURVIVORS, too. I have talked to several men that have been abused in the same way. Men, join me in your journey. We're all in this together, as High School Musical so profoundly sang. Let's get ourselves healed, renewed and ready to help others....pass on our Super Hero Strength, if you will.
Tomorrow, I will continue my story. It's a good one. I think Lifetime will want to buy the movie rights. I am good with that. Angelina Jolie is welcome to play my role. As for today, I leave you with this challenge:
Change your pillowcase. Don't do the disservice of wetting it with your tears. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are NOT ALONE. You've made a new friend today. A friend that will help you, strengthen you and hopefully save you. You have a mission to fulfill. That's up to you to find out. And hopefully, through my posts, you will find out for yourself. Most of all, find that STRENGTH that is inside of you. You have it. Find it.
Oh! And smile. You're worth it.
Now I'm off to the gym....my Sanctuary of Strength. And I'm not in trouble because I'm going.
Strengthly yours,
aMOMynous
💜
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