Dear Strong, Surviving Friends,
Here we are, Day #3 and would you like to know something? I can't get YOU, my new friends, and my tear-stained pillow out of my mind. What do you and my pillow have in common? Hopefully you haven't been borrowing it, because I've been known to drool heavily in a deep, delicious sleep. But in reality, perhaps you have a similar pillow, that catches those silent tears that no one hears, yet with each aching drop, cry out for help. Help! You don't know why you're crying but you just feel so bad, so helpless, so hopeless.
Before I get to the rest of my story, I am going to share with you the day I realized that this was serious. Because it IS New Year's Eve after all. This moment in my life was my "Eve" to a something that I knew would change forever. Today, we are going to talk about WHY you feel the way you do, and believe me, you are justified in every tear that you shed, friends.
We skip to year-almost-16 that we had been married. It had gotten bad, really bad, over the years, especially the last couple. His anger and temper and hurtful things he'd been saying sucked the life right out of me. I like to describe myself as the Empty Shell of a Person. He would switch his mood so easily. I called it the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" syndrome. One minute he would be great, happy and cheerful. The next minute, the mean, ugly face would say mean, ugly things. He slowly started criticizing most everything that I was doing. He slammed my oldest son up against the wall and yelled at him, among other things that I won't discuss. The anger was superseding the calm times. It WAS an extremely stressful time in our lives. He had a very high calling in our church, had been layed off of his job, and we were building a brand new house on top of it! We were stressed. I cried a LOT. That pillow was soaked, friends. His temper would get the best of him. He would yell at me and the kids, stomp around and even leave. I was busy explaining/justifying his actions to the kids, when I really should have been standing up to HIM, proclaiming that this behavior was NOT acceptable. I will share a "for example:"
My best friend and I would spend each weekday together. We would drop off our older kids at school, and then had an "open-door" policy to go over to either one's house. Pretty much just walk in the house, plop down on the couch and plan what we would do that day. One of my tender mercies of my silent suffering. She had just gone through the most traumatic experience in her life and by golly, I was going to be there for her. EVERY DAY. Well, one day we agreed to meet at my house. I had dropped the kids off and was talking to my husband on the phone and he was mad. Flaming mad. The crazy thing is that I can't even remember what he was mad at. Probably finances. He was yelling, lecturing and making me feel horrible. He finished what he was saying and before I could get a response, he hung up the phone. Hung up on me. I was already stressed and worn out. Now I felt horrible and rejected by the end of the phone call. I collapsed. Right there in my foyer hall thingy. Collapsed and cried. I couldn't take it, I pled with God. I'm helpless, God. I'm hopeless, God. I can't take feeling this way anymore. WHERE WAS MY PILLOW??? Couldn't even make it to my pillow. The carpet would have to catch the silent sadness today. And then the door opened. Best friend caught me in my silent suffering. But I kept crying. She said nothing. She walked over and laid in the foyer hall thingy next to me and held me. She cried with me. She asked no questions. That, my friends, is what BFFs (angels) do. They lay with us in foyer hall thingies, cry with us and ask no questions. She saved me that day.
But here was the clincher, my friends. I could NOT pinpoint why I felt the way I did. My husband just told me that I was too sensitive. That I cry over every little thing he tells me. That he shouldn't even tell me anything anymore because I'm sensitive and I'll cry. Once again, it was my fault that I felt so bad. I believed it. I believed that I had major problems, leaky faucets for eyes and couldn't be told anything. Have you felt that way, friends? Do you feel that way now? Oh, you amazing, special creatures! You are NOT alone.
It happened on a church conference day. That's where we stay at home and our church leaders broadcast their message around the world via satellite. I had prayed to God that I would find an answer of why I was such a mess-up. And what I needed to do to stop being such a mess-up. Then the answer came, as if God said, "My sweet daughter, you are not a mess-up. Let me tell you what's going on here....." And here is what the speaker said,
"My father was not active in [our] Church but was a remarkably good example, especially in his treatment of my mother. He used to say, “God will hold men responsible for every tear they cause their wives to shed.” This same concept is emphasized in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” It reads, “[Those] who abuse spouse or offspring … will one day stand accountable before God.” Regardless of the culture in which we are raised, and whether our parents did or did not abuse us, we must not physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse anyone else."
Wait. What? God will hold men responsible for every tear they cause their wives to shed. Pillows, friends. Pillows. And carpet that one day. And then my stomach did a spin. Did I fit in the category of abuse? Noooooo. I never thought I was abused!! That's where Julia Roberts gets hit by her husband in that one movie because she can't line the cans or towels correctly. This wasn't me. Or was it? The following Monday, I dropped my daughter off at preschool and sat in the WalMart parking lot, researching emotional and verbal abuse. For three hours, I cried....facing reality that, indeed, I was a SURVIVOR (not victim) of abuse. I looked up symptoms, articles, and forums. I could check mark just about every symptom off. This was Hard Reality Monday. Now that I had that information, what would I do? For a couple of days I prayed, asking God what I should do. I decided to pull Early Twenties Strong Girl from the grave and confront him. A few days later, we had a few moments alone. I had him watch this specific clip of the conference.
He looked at me and said, "Is that what you think I do? Abuse you?"
I replied, "Yes. I think we need help."
Darn that Early Twenties Strong Girl! When was she going to learn her lesson? Husband got so irate and mad that I would even accuse him of that. He didn't speak to me for a few days. His looks killed my soul even more. I decided that was a wrong move, and quickly swept that conversation and experience under the rug. We wouldn't bring it up again. Until later..... another big mistake.
So now what, my New Year's Eve friends? Here is my challenge to you today:
You are going to be okay. You ARE going to be okay. If you feel that you are/have been abused in any way, shape or form, look it up today. Do the Google. And if you feel that you fit in those categories/symptoms, just know that you ARE going to be okay. Then it will be thinking time. Prayer time. Time to figure out how you are going to handle what you need to handle. Today is Realization Eve. And remember, I'm your friend that will be holding your hand, every step of the way. YOU are amazing. YOU are brave. YOU are strong. And YOU can do this.
Also, a reminder to my disclaimer: I am NOT promoting divorce. I AM promoting God. He will tell you what the right thing to do is.
Strengthly yours,
aMOMynous
PS-Last challenge: Go and get a new pillow today. With a nice pillow case. A symbol that on the Eve of your discovery, you'll have a NEW pillow that won't have to accept silent tears. Anymore.
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